I'm a big fan of Craig Ferguson. It saddened me when he went off air, because when I was in college (and even after graduating), I'd stay up until 1:30 in the morning to watch him on The Late Late Show and still make it to a 7:30 class. Oh, to have that energy again.
I read his book that came out in what must have been 2008 or 2009, American on Purpose. He detailed a lot about his career and his journey to becoming an American citizen. Part of that journey was his addiction to drugs and alcohol, and his eventual contemplating of suicide over getting to those extreme lows and feeling hopeless.
I think my favorite excerpt from that book, and something that still sticks with me to this day, was that when he realized he needed help and had to get clean, he was scared of taking those steps. But, he eventually realized that "fear is simply god's way of saying 'pay attention, this is going to be interesting'". I'm not a religious person, but I appreciate the idea there. Like I said, it's stuck with me.
Life is a scary thing. But, to Craig's point. That's what makes it interesting. Things had been pretty good for me for a while. In 2019 a lot of that changed. I tore my ACL/MCL/meniscus playing hockey, which set off quite the chain of events. Two nights before my surgery to reconstruct my knee, my wife got pregnant. She didn't want to tell me until I was further along with rehab because it was grueling early on. She never made it far enough to tell me, she had a miscarriage about two months in. Late that year, my job was offering a company wide severance package for people to leave and they could restructure. I had to make that decision in November, and I accepted to my wife and I could use the money to take a little vacation to get her mind off how all that stuff played out earlier. Unfortunately my separation date was June 2020 - right when no one was hiring because of the pandemic. And, because of the pandemic, my wife had a mental breakdown from being alone with her thoughts and had to go to the hospital for two weeks - which led to her family to try and blame me for it and even going so far as trying to get power of attorney over her to make her medical decisions over me. That rift continues with them to this day.
Eventually we decided to sell our townhouse in 2022 to take advantage of the seller's market, and just find somewhere new to start fresh. We ended up moving in with my parents until August 2023 - a full year - because we kept getting out bid on houses. That alone brought it's only challenges and mental struggles. After years of things going wrong one after another, I started thinking about a way out myself. I knew who I wanted to give my things to, where I would do it, etc. But I never did it because I didn't want to leave my wife alone.
Now, I have a wonderful house in a beautiful part of my state, an incredible new puppy and I have some great people in my life that I'm thankful for. As scared as I was along the way that I'd never feel happy again, it all worked out. I learned a lot about myself and my resiliency over those years, and I'm grateful to have what I have now.
What you're feeling won't last. Unfortunately, there's no way of knowing when you won't feel that way any more, but it does get better. There's so many examples of it. You still have things to do and people to meet. Stay in the gym, stay hydrated, make sure you get some sun every day, and sleep well. You'll get through this. The gym is an incredible release to make sure those toxins get out of your system.
Keep your head up - and you can always talk to us here. Just know, even if it's virtual, you're not alone.
