Well, I was hoping a thread like this was lying around. I promise to try and keep this short(ish), but there's some things I feel compelled to share in light of Carrie's passing.
Three years ago I made the decision to end my life. The plan was to down an entire bottle of antidepressants as soon as my prescription was refilled. While I was waiting, I happened to stumble upon Carrie's one woman show, Wishful Drinking. I was so awestruck by her performance. It completely altered my view on life and living with mental illness.
Prior to this, I viewed my own illnesses as a deficiency. My shame kept me from talking about it honestly, even with my doctors. Therefore I wasn't getting the help I so desperately needed. But then this show came into my life and suddenly I felt rejuvenated. I immediately read everything she ever published. And I've hung onto every word she's said since. Me and Carrie. One day at a time. Surviving. Either by finding humor in the things that could no longer hurt us, or talking openly about the things that still could. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel alone.
My mother lacks any maternal instincts whatsoever. She's never been there for me when I needed it. In place of that relationship, I sort of adopted Carrie as my surrogate mother figure. Yes, that's right. I began referring to a woman I've never met as my "space mom." The term itself was obviously a joke, but the meaning behind it certainly wasn't.
I recently spent two weeks in a hospital that Carrie once referred to as the nicest place she's ever been institutionalized. I was feeling much better after 14 days of intensive therapy. Then, literally an hour before I left, the news broke that our beloved rebel princess had passed away - which probably undid a lot of the progress I'd made while I was there.
You have to understand, I have no one else in my life. I've relied on her for strength every day. I've repeated her mantras so many times I've lost track of which ones came from my brain and which came from hers. If she could get through the day then, dammit, so could I. Make no mistake - this woman saved my life. I owe her everything. It's not normal. And it may not even be healthy. But it is what it is. I've worn a rebel pendant necklace every day for the last three years to remind me to stay strong in the face of adversity - because that's what she'd want me to do. You could almost says she was my emotional wellness princess.
Leia died two weeks ago. For Star Wars fans, that's hard enough. Carrie inhabited one of the heroes we all grew up idolizing. For me, though, it feels like my mother died, and I'm struggling to cope with that. The toughest part has been seeing footage of her at conventions doing autograph signings for fans. That was set to be me in a few short months. I was finally going to have ten seconds to meet and thank her. Now I never can.
Devastated doesn't begin to describe what I'm feeling. I haven't even gone to see Rogue One yet. I'm not ready to watch Star Wars movies again. Despite that, I know I'll continue to survive. After all, my space mom taught me how.
Rest in peace, Carrie. And may the force be with you.
Awesome story! Keep strong and know the fandom here supports and encourages their own. While Carrie may be gone in body, she will always be with us in spirit, so let her memory and wisdom keep you going in these trying times. It really is amazing how people we never meet can have profound and lasting impacts on our lives.
