William Shatners Toupee
Super Freak
So, I have this one rule I kind of live by: "Don't bug me."
I get mothers I work with trying to get me to buy their kids Girl Scout cookies, and I'm like, "Sorry, I don't believe in supporting cults".
If they keep bugging me I'll hit them up with "Are there any actual Girl Scouts in those cookies? No? Then that's false advertising."
And, you know, everyone has their hand out to take money. I went to the bank the other day and some kids from the local High School band were there playing instruments collecting money for something. I escaped without being assaulted for money but the next place I went to was the local grocery store, and wouldn't you know it there was another band kid there with his instrument collecting money! So I try and be all clever and go to the opposite door at the other side of the building to avoid them.
There I'm stopped by a girl in street clothes with no instrument asking for money, and I'm like "Who are you guys? You're everywhere." and she tells me how they are collecting for some trip. So then I ask her why all the other kids from her school got dressed up and were at least playing music, offering something and not JUST asking for money and she said she was from the drama department.
I said "Okay, if you want money, you're from the drama department---perform something for me. Your not gonna get any free hand outs because you don't play an instrument."
And she was very quick and said "Sure, what?"
thinking to perhaps throw me. So I told her anything from "Ghostbusters."
I was serious. If she could recite anything from Ghostbusters I would have given her money. After a silent pause as she struggled to think of something, she shrugged defeated and said she couldn't think of anything, and I told her dryly "Wow, your drama department stinks."
At which case my wife appears and only hears the last part of "my harassing the poor girl", and she apologizes to her as she pulls me into the store, telling her "I'm sorry, my husband thinks he's funny," to which I whisper to the girl over my shoulder "I'm not. You stink!"
Truth is, I really don't give to a lot of charities because half these people collecting look like they are going to empty out the collection can at the end of the day and pass out drunk with their pants down around their ankles, sleeping in a shopping cart behind the Walmart.
For all of my assey-ness, I have to say I do always give to animal shelters though. Particularly the ones that have a photo of a kitten missing an eye by the cans. THOSE *******S!
I love animals immensely. I own three cats that I like better than people because cats love you unconditionally, no matter how fat you are or how worthless you feel a particular day-- they see you, they want you sitting and to be in your lap NOW like you are the greatest thing on Earth.
I get mothers I work with trying to get me to buy their kids Girl Scout cookies, and I'm like, "Sorry, I don't believe in supporting cults".
If they keep bugging me I'll hit them up with "Are there any actual Girl Scouts in those cookies? No? Then that's false advertising."
And, you know, everyone has their hand out to take money. I went to the bank the other day and some kids from the local High School band were there playing instruments collecting money for something. I escaped without being assaulted for money but the next place I went to was the local grocery store, and wouldn't you know it there was another band kid there with his instrument collecting money! So I try and be all clever and go to the opposite door at the other side of the building to avoid them.
There I'm stopped by a girl in street clothes with no instrument asking for money, and I'm like "Who are you guys? You're everywhere." and she tells me how they are collecting for some trip. So then I ask her why all the other kids from her school got dressed up and were at least playing music, offering something and not JUST asking for money and she said she was from the drama department.
I said "Okay, if you want money, you're from the drama department---perform something for me. Your not gonna get any free hand outs because you don't play an instrument."
And she was very quick and said "Sure, what?"
thinking to perhaps throw me. So I told her anything from "Ghostbusters."
I was serious. If she could recite anything from Ghostbusters I would have given her money. After a silent pause as she struggled to think of something, she shrugged defeated and said she couldn't think of anything, and I told her dryly "Wow, your drama department stinks."
At which case my wife appears and only hears the last part of "my harassing the poor girl", and she apologizes to her as she pulls me into the store, telling her "I'm sorry, my husband thinks he's funny," to which I whisper to the girl over my shoulder "I'm not. You stink!"
Truth is, I really don't give to a lot of charities because half these people collecting look like they are going to empty out the collection can at the end of the day and pass out drunk with their pants down around their ankles, sleeping in a shopping cart behind the Walmart.
For all of my assey-ness, I have to say I do always give to animal shelters though. Particularly the ones that have a photo of a kitten missing an eye by the cans. THOSE *******S!
I love animals immensely. I own three cats that I like better than people because cats love you unconditionally, no matter how fat you are or how worthless you feel a particular day-- they see you, they want you sitting and to be in your lap NOW like you are the greatest thing on Earth.
