If you want to meet smart, sexy, wickedly cool women, try hanging out at your local comic book store. Ignore the standard advice on where to meet awesome women. Think of the club as your last line of defense against not getting laid. There will never be a shortage of party banshees with cheese doodle-hued skin dancing unsteadily on tables crowing “I. Am. So. Drunk.”
Think of them as slatternly fruit in cocktail dresses hanging low, ready to pick. But before settling for the easy get, trying strolling around your nearest nerd temple first and do some force recon. There are quality women there, and they scare the competition.
There are other locations so-called experts recommend, like the gym. But who wants to get hit on at a gym? The grunting, the groaning, the gravity-resistant sports bras and, of course, everybody stinks like a lactose-intolerant swamp donkey. Greasy balls don’t improve anyone’s game.
Long ago, in a magazine seemingly written for hairless dolphin men, we read that grocery stores were a great place to “mack on the ladies.” The tips were insipid, requiring you wait for some poor unsuspecting woman to stop reading the calories on a box of Lean Cuisine and using an “opener,” which is the word pickup artists use for “starting a conversation with a human being.”
They suggested some cutesy question like “Which would my Grandmother love more: yummy brownies or cookies?” At which point, she should respond “You are adorable and sensitive and I must taste your pylon.” What she’ll really say is “Ehhhh,” and think, “I just got off work, ass cheese. I want to go home and harshly judge women on reality television while I weep over this tablespoon-size serving of shrimp scampi.” We know that pickup artists preach that any location is good location to “open” a “set” or whatever, but grocery stores are utilitarian public spaces where we should all be able to safely graze.
We’d also warn against sporting events, as single women at the game are usually the nucleus of a competitive bro mob, and they all have the same idea as you. We’ve written about picking up chicks at the office here, but it generally ends badly and far too often, you still have to work with your former conquests. Concerts are too loud. Parties are ideal, so long as you’re invited. Parties are the original social network, and women find comfort in some sort of accountability. We’ve had a friend swear by dog parks, but you need a dog for that to work. A pretentious pal stalks art galleries so he can walk up next to a woman and casually impress her with his nuanced analysis of whatever art school abortion is hanging on the wall. Here are some others suggestions offered by friends. Playgrounds, for creeps with mommy issues on, buffets for easy access to plumpers, and a direct quote, “Two words: Beer Pong Competitions.” That’s three words, bro.
The women you find browsing comic stores have a lot going for them. If you’re a beefcake jock rolling your eyes at such dorkery, then, like, go shave your abs. As locations, comic book stores are ideal. Granted, 85 percent of the people there are dudes, but these guys are generally on serious missions to complete their purchase of the entire Green Lantern: Blackest Night series. They are not interested in the bosomed patrons next to them. Either that or they are petrified of their proximity to lady parts. In a comic book store, an ounce of confidence is a pound anywhere else. But the location is also important because of the type of women it draws. These are women who are comfortable in their skin, and have a high tolerance for men and their passionate obsessions.
Comic book lady nerds are, generally speaking, open-minded. They’re funky and/or tattooed and just a little bit freaky. Freaky is an important character trait. There are guys who are scared when their women orgasm like howler monkeys from hell, and those who prefer it nice and quiet, like Grandma…in her grave. Female lovers of graphic novels are feisty. You want them watching your back during the zombie apocalypse. It helps, of course, to do a little research. A lot of normal men think that comic books are nothing but super hero nonsense. Avenging he-men dressed like ballerinas. And yes, a lot of comic books are about adolescent power fantasies. But there are plenty of titles out there for guys who love horror, sci-fi, or crime books or movies. For zombie fans, there’s The Walking Dead. There’s an excellent, twisted, and hyper-violent crime series titled 100 Bullets. And Y: The Last Man is about a plague in the future that wipes out all men…save for one. He happens to be a nerd and it saves his life.
Trust us on this. Try this untapped fountain of sexy. Fair warning, though. Approach chicks at the comic book shop with care; they’re not for the faint of hearts. Only seasoned hottie whisperers need apply. It’s worth it. And if they give you a withering stare, there’s still time to hit da club.
