What to say here? I am not sure what to say or how to. All I can do is let you all know some things I previously have not…not to make excuses, but to simply explain and inform. That is my only intent.
I know I don't have to tell all this, but under the circumstances, I think I had better. You guys deserve to know as much as I can tell you. Within reason. You've earned that much.
I do know that I very much appreciate anybody who feels compelled by good intentions, to defend me and my pretty messed up honor, but know that I alone have to atone for the mess I have made for myself. Thanks though guys. You all rock. Thanks.
This last year did indeed come up with more roadblocks that I could have ever imagined, and my judgment was continually skewed due to it, and that delays in projects occurred mostly due to my inability to see the future, and that my Mom’s ongoing problems continued to snowball over months and months, affecting my ability to even sit down and paint. That has been pretty well explained. Maybe it is not very professional, and I regret that aspect dearly.
Just know, from my end, it was a topsy turvy period where I literally could not think. I got little sleep (still don’t) and the whole thing badly affected my health, resulting in lingering problems that persist.
I had my first med physical in years, about Sept-October?, because the stresses were taking a toll on me. They were on my whole family in fact, but in me, it all began to affect my weight, my heart, and my state of mind.
I do not know how many of you have ever had an angry bi-polar family member, but if you have, trust me, it is a terrible ordeal when they are aging, and going downhill, and are also someone that has held an emotional sway over you for years. To say I love my mother is an understatement, but know that she was also becoming so emotionally abusive to members of the family, myself especially, that even in 2007 I was starting to have problems with the developing situation.
I wanted to move out then, and I wish in many ways I had. If I had, I would be living somewhere else, with a job somewhere, and have that to back up my life at present, but I didn’t know what was coming. I kept thinking it would all work out. I would get my figure and paint work back on track by summer of 08, and start new projects, and move away eventually from so much small scale work.
This has another reason for being important as I will get to shortly, but first, my family situation.
As Ma’s problems, and our need to get her better health care and in a home, escalated starting in early April. I kept thinking I could catch up anytime, so taking new works then and in summer seemed like nothing at the time. That was indeed a HUGE mistake now. In hindsight. But. I continued to take large projects as it gave me hope that I could escape the situation then, and make enough money to move and follow some kind of dream regarding this whole world of 1/6 customs.
I was wrong.
When, in October of 08 Ma had deteriorated yet again, and understand, there was something EVERY DAY with her. EVERY DAY….it was the most draining experience I have ever been through. Every Day she gave us or her nurses or whoever was her caretakers, hell, was on the wrong meds, was moved, something. She was never able to settle down. Ma was moved NINE TIMES to different facilities throughout the year. NINE TIMES! And having her Medical Power of Attorney, I had to be there every step of the way. And I felt for her, as much as I resented the whole stressful experience. It drained me, my Dad, and my sister to the point of exhaustion. (I might note that my Dad also learned that he has an aortic aneurism during this period, that could kill him if it ruptures, ANYTIME, due to blood pressue etc, AND he has prostrate cancer, and he becomes a bigger liability in my life…) and
My sister’s coming down here to help us financially and in person, something she did in ten or more trips down from Atlanta, leaving her husband and two young boys each time, was hard also. The good thing of all this was she and I bonded for the first time in years.
However, it has all taxed the relationship between my younger brother, who lives up in Maryland, and the rest of us, because not only did he never see my Mom in her worst states of mind, a thing she has managed to hide from him for years, and that he refuses to totally accept, so he also began to hate the rest of us for trying to help Mom. It is Hell! Before it was over, I even got blamed for stealing an heirloom that Ma was leaving him, a little Christmastime making trouble trick ma tried to “Get us back” for putting her in a nursing home at all, and leaving me not knowing what or how to feel.
IT SUCKED! Nothing we did worked. Nothing. Only this last month has she slowed down enough to rest, and realize she cannot come home. That has bought me some time to rest, and to get back on track of my work, and if I may say, my hope to do work such as this for a living.
Also, please bear in mind that she almost died of incorrect drug dosages in October, at the worst of the homes she was in, and you can see how all this left me drained and not feeling creative at all in the latter part of the year. It was a constant barrage of events.
I tried to restart my creative motors anyway, with visits to and from DA Josh, and others locally, and talking to members here, and always appreciating the support. Thanks for all of that guys. Your emails and gifts and kind words helped me literally to keep my head. Seriously. I do not say that with any sarcasm. I would have gone utterly mad during that time had I not been able to communicate to many of my online friends.
As if all that wasn‘t enough, my computer started acting up. I had purchased my Dell in October of 07, so I assumed it would at least last a couple of years before acting up, but it started to in late Summer of 08, so by October or whenever it was, September? Hell, I have no idea anymore, all that runs together to me, my computer began to become a trip hazard also. My income began to plummet as I used all the saved money made from the earlier month’s commissions work, and thought again, that I could recover before things got worse. I am about done with repairs to it. EXPENSIVE repairs that took more of my money than I wanted to spend I might add.
I know I have shown bad judgment this last year, but I hope you can at least see some of why. I hardly slept. I did get that Physical, and when I did, I learned some tough stuff. My heart was not beating right, due to my gained weight, and the continued stress. I was put on beta blockers for that, to help regulate my irregular heartbeat. I also requested something to help me with the stress. I had NEVER been on meds for anything before, I don’t even drink that much, but I was pretty worn down and needed some kind of help with my moods. Since September or so, I have been on meds for stress. They have helped a lot.
Also, sometime in mid-summer, I learned a real toughie for my ego. My close up vision is slowly failing. By late summer, my eye doctor told me that the stresses, along with the elevated blood pressure I was experiencing, was accelerating the normal vision loss that occurs after age 40, and to not do a lot of small scale work for long periods of time. GREAT! The very thing I love to do, I was being told I shouldn’t. It was a terrible blow to me then, and that only today, I have told anyone outside of family about. I called DA Josh and told him in person. I had to tell someone.
I can still see, just not well without some serious coke bottle mag glasses, and I am not a good candidate for corrective eye surgery. So, I have to struggle harder to do what I used to do so easily.
But, I can still do it.
I just have to Man up and get over all this and deliver. I say that for any former Marines that may have tough words for me these days. Just know I respect your criticisms as well.
Since New Year’s, I have tried to get back into it again and continue and finish painting as much as I could.
I am of course, still behind, and regret every aspect of how I decided to take on a lot of the work. I could not possibly be angry with anyone for being frustrated with me as a result of all this. I respect totally your positions and even restate, that EVERYONE will get their works. None of my work is a write-off!
Up til now, that has been my greatest love, and dream, to get all of it done, and sent to the waiting folks. It only adds to my horror that I have let anyone down. And I know I have.
What I will do when I am caught up, I do not know. I picked a terrible time with the economy in total disarray to be out of regular work. I did it though. I meant well, I stayed with my Mom’s problems, and we as a family overcame most of it all. So far…I do have that and I am proud of it. My sister and I are closer, and I have many more friends online than I ever imagined. But, most of you are still just customers, and I need to attend to you. Please let me. I promise to not make a mockery of your waits, and will try my damnedest to produce works you enjoy.
That is my story.
I appreciate anyone defending me, but I have to defend myself. This is my problem, and only I can fix it. And I still appreciate any of you, those angry and otherwise, for initially wanting any of my work in the first place.
I am honored by that still. Thank you and see you soon with the first wave of Hicks heads.
I hope this helps you to understand.
I have to go paint now.
Respectfully your’s
Les Walker
And Nicky and Oneye and all you guys, your Hicks heads will be in your hands or on the way to you for sure, before or by this time next week! I PROMISE!
I can't thank you all, but I can deliver my works at last. That may help.
