^^^^^* The Haters! El Guapo Saw G.I. Joe And Loved It!
By George 'El Guapo' Roush on July 29, 2009
I'm not doing this as a regular review because readers cannot comment on our reviews for some odd reason. And heaven forbid if you guys aren't able to tell me how much I suck.
Caution: There may be spoilers.
Tonight I saw a special screening of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. I was really excited to see this movie. Just as excited as I was to see Transformers 2. But I also went in expecting a total ^^^^ing train wreck. And before any of you guys think I'm a plant, or that the studio is paying me to jack this movie up, know this - I do not pander to the studios. Remember, Paramount is releasing G.I. Joe and they're the same guys who released Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, a movie I spent 3,300 words ^^^^ting all over. So if Joe were to suck, I would tell you. I owe the studios nothing but honesty, and that's one of the reasons why they picked me to go see this (Devin from CHUD was also there). They know I won't bull^^^^ them and that I'll give honest feedback.
The MARS organization is the world's leading supplier of weapons technology. They're playing NATO by taking funding from them to support their secret underground organization that we later learn is Cobra. Baroness, Storm Shadow and Destro are trying to retrieve their nanobot warheads to use against the world, but the elite G.I. Joe team, joined by newcomers Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) are out to stop them. That's pretty much it. The rest is all action.
Ok, since I'm not doing this as a regular type review, I'll just tell you what was good, what was bad and what needs work for the sequel:
THE GOOD
How it relates to the cartoon: First off, if you liked the cartoon, this is the live action version of the cartoon. I had all the figures, the vehicles, the aircraft carrier, everything when I was a kid growing up. This movie is exactly how I imagined it would be when I was playing with these figures. Kids are going to love this flick. Why the hell couldn't this have been made when I was 9 years old? I'm so jealous of you little bastards who get to see this through the eyes of a child. You are going to love it.
Cobra: I don't think there's a nice way to put this, but here goes - everyone in Cobra is a ^^^^ing ^^^^^^^. There is such a blatant disregard for human life in this film. There must have been thousands of innocent people who died as a result of Cobra's actions.
The Baroness is a cold blooded ^^^^^. There was some relationship stuff between Baroness and Duke, but it gave them some background history at least, and it ends where all of it can be thrown out the window for the sequel. And Sienna Miller is HOT as The Baroness. You guys are going to love her performance. And her tits.
Storm Shadow is completely ruthless. Yes, they dubbed over his voice, but you can't even tell. He IS the superior ninja in this film when compared to Snake Eyes, which surprised me. Storm Shadow is very, very proactive while Snake Eyes sometimes seems to be more of a reactive presence. Storm Shadow kills anything that is in his way and Byung-hun Lee was fantastic.
Dr. Mindbender is in the movie briefly.
Cobra Commander is shown at the end. But sans hood. Paramount, Lorenzo, put the ^^^^ing hood on this guy's head in the sequel. No argument, nothing. Just do it. Who are you offending, the KKK? We want the hood so give it to us. Other than that, he was ruthless.
Zartan plays a major role that leads to the sequel.
McCullen/Destro is the main man pulling the strings throughout most of the picture.
Neo-Vipers are kind of like unstoppable soldiers with bullet proof armor. They're very tough to take out and they kill without thought. Unlike the cartoon, they can actually aim.
There are numerous shots of guys heads being blown off, ninja stars impaling people, building and cars destroying everything, all because of Cobra. I LOVED how they made them so cold blooded with one goal in mind, take over the world and make everyone suffer. It's everything the cartoon Cobra was trying to do in each episode.
G.I. Joe: Wow. Even the Joes were impressive. They had a mission to stop the bad guys and that's what they tried to do. Scarlett, played by Rachel Nichols, was the scene stealer. Who knew G.I. Joe had such sex appeal? I could have watched an entire movie that just featured her. Channing Tatum was great as Duke and Dennis Quaid seemed to be enjoying his role as Hawk. The Joes kicked a lot of ass, but they also got their ass handed to them a lot. Ray Park at times, looked uncomfortable in the suit, especially when running. But he was great as well. Hawk is no match for Storm Shadow though...
The action: Absolute chaos. The action is non stop. I had no idea that the movie was filled with so many action and stunt sequences. The first one, where Duke and Ripcord are escorting a convoy only to be attacked by a mysterious gunship, was so much fun to watch. The explosions are everywhere in this, the hand to hand fight scenes are up close and rough, and people die like crazy in this picture. Arrows to the head, ninja stabs through the chest, laser blasts to the face, you name it, they do it.
The Paris sequence with the accelerator suits was going to bug me. I knew it going in. But it didn't. Why? Because it was total ^^^^ing anarchy. It was insane and you are never given a minute to rest. There is so much rampant destruction with cars flying everywhere, explosions, chases, Snake Eyes fighting Storm Shadow, that it gets nuts. But you can follow the action, and that's what's important.
The Pit invasion battle was also crazy. Hand to hand fights, gun fights, stunts, explosions. Baroness and Scarlett fight, Duke fights Neo-Vipers, Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow fight, it was crazy. I loved it.
But that's not even all of the action. There's still an entire sequence with Ripcord chasing down the launched missiles, Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes duking it out again, Duke and Cobra, I mean, it never, ever lets up. There are a lot of scenes of young Storm Shadow and young Snake Eyes just beating the piss out of each other as kids. Kids ^^^^ing each other up with nun-chucks? Sign me up!!
The sequel: A lot of events are put into motion that easily flow into a sequel. Character arcs make it so Cobra can return with a vengence. New Joes can be introduced to help fight the newly formed Cobra organization.
THE BAD
Dialogue: Hey, it's a movie based off of G.I. Joe, so some of the dialogue is going to be corny. Yes, they fit in knowing is half the battle and kung-fu grip. I couldn't understand a thing Heavy Duty was saying because of the actor's thick British accent. Also, some of the relationship arcs, like the one between Ripcord and Scarlett, didn't work at all. Dump that ^^^^ in the sequel.
Please get rid of Marlon Wayans. He just doesn't fit. He's not funny, and there's no chemistry between him and Scarlett.
Effects and Costumes: Some of the effects weren't finished, which is going to effect my review of the movie. I know that they're still working on them, and I hope they are, because some shots, like the first time we see the jet descend into The Pit, looked awful. I had seen better special effects in video games. From the 90's. I hope they're able to clean up a lot of these shots.
Destro's mask at the end also needed work. It looked too clumsy with his pearly whites visible through the mouth part of the mask.
Why does Snake-Eyes have a mouth if he doesn't speak? It just looks so odd and does not work. That has to be fixed for the sequel, because the mouth part on his mask looks really stupid. I also would have liked a more intense, longer battle between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow at the end. It was good, but was too one sided.
Cobra Commander is wearing a fishbowl on his head? Ok. Look, I know you guys want to go in new and exciting technological directions with some of these guys, but don't ^^^^ up someone like Cobra Commander by sticking a God damned aquarium on him. PUT THE HOOD OR REGULAR COBRA HELMET ON HIM IN THE SEQUEL!! He's Cobra Commander, he's not the leader of the Ku Klux Klan. Nobody will be confused. Despite what your other filmmaker Michael Bay thinks, the audience isn't stupid.
Bottom line, this is the G.I. Joe movie we've been waiting to see. This isn't The Bourne Identity, this isn't The Hurt Locker, this is G.I. Joe. It's over the top, it's got crazy action, but it works. Here's the thing about Stephen Sommers, you guys can rip on him all you want, but he directed some amazing action scenes in this movie. And you want to know what the difference is between him and Michael Bay? You can FOLLOW THE ACTION. I was never confused as to what was going on, or as to who was fighting who. He's actually the perfect director for this kind of movie, and of course a lot of things can be fixed for the sequel. Yes, there are some plotholes and questions, but they're minor. The story stays simple and true to canon - Joes vs. Cobra. There's no confusing "what the hell just happened?" moments like in Transformers. And I keep bringing up Transformers because that's all people seem to want to compare it to.
In the battle of cartoons turned movies, G.I. Joe is the superior film to Transformers in every way. It is, hands down, the most action packed movie of the summer. Any kid who hates this movie should be taken out back and beaten with a two by four because I can't imagine any kid not liking this. Paramount, you guys were promoting the wrong movie. While I'm not giving it the rating El Mayimbe did, I really did have a lot of fun while watching it.
Sorry guys, there's no PSA after the credits. I know, I was bummed as well. Maybe next time.
And for all of you bloggers who had been talking ^^^^ about a film you haven't seen, you can kiss my ass. And you guys know who you are. Is this movie perfect? Hell no. There are a lot of cheesy parts to it. But it knows what it is, and it sticks to it. Like Land of the Lost, it never, ever, tries to be something it's not. It realizes it's G.I. Joe, and it stays consistent with that presentation throughout the entire picture. Stephen Sommers, you did a good job with the material that was presented to you and I can't wait for the sequel.
But please do us fans a favor, put the ^^^^ing hood back on Cobra Commander. Thank you!
B+
Thread over.
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