If you take your kids to see "The Watchmen," you're a moron.
Good thing I don't have kids.
If you see it yourself, you're also probably a moron and a vapid, indecent human being.
Damn it. Oh well.
The movie arrives in theaters at Midnight, Thursday Night.
I really wish I could make it tonight.
It's rated "R"--which should kinda sorta be a hint--but it really deserves an "NC-17," at the very least.
Cool!
And plenty of clueless parents brought their young kids and kept them there for the entire almost three hour "experience" at the screening I attended.
I read the original Comics when I was eight. I wish my parents took that much of an interest in my childhood pursuits.
Yes, I know, it's being heavily marketed as a superhero movie, with action figures for your kids. But that--and the heroic-looking movie trailer--are a big, fat lie.
Its a lie? There are no heroes in it?!?!? *gasp
And that's where real parenting comes in . . . like actually investigating the movie before you take or send your kids to see this garbage.
Ah....so I see anyone who actually takes their kids to Watchmen isn't a real parent....
In fact, as a movie critic who sees most new releases, I haven't seen a more violent, depraved movie in years (not to mention a longer, more boring movie with a more preposterous and silly plot).
Cool!
This movie makes the graphic bloodshed of the recently released "Friday the 13th" look like "Cinderella."
And to think....they cut Jason riding around in a pumpkin because it wasn't realistic enough...
This really isn't a superhero movie at all. In fact, there was little "superheroing" until after the second hour of this nearly three-hour exercise on defining deviancy down.
Hmmmm....so this reviewer doesn't enjoy character development.
Some on the right are claiming this is a conservative movie because it's made by some of the same people as "300" (read my review). But this is no "300."
Right....this is Watchmen....someone should explain to her that movies are different even if the same people are in them or making them....
(And that wasn't for kids either, but this is far much less so.)
The rated "R" tipped me off already but okay
A few lines of dialogue by the character "Rorschach" deriding "liberals and intellectuals" doesn't excuse the nearly three hours of poison here. In fact, the movie kind of has a peacenik-themed ending and "message" regarding nuclear weapons. If this move is "conservative," who the heck needs liberal?
So this person has no clue that Rorschach is extremely conservative and that nuclear issues are one of the underlying motifs.....hurm.
There were so many disgusting, violent, morbid, grisly scenes and acts of killing, I had to start writing them down, lest I forget.
Oh....goody. Let's see.
And that's in addition to the rape scene between superheroes (complete with violent beating of a female superhero)
I believe it was an attempted rape....did they change that?
and an explicit sex scene between two other superheroes.
I forgot that Superheroes don't have sex...
Oh, and don't forget another superhero's swinging computer-generated ^^^^^ frequently in your face on-screen.
So the fact he was naked made her suddenly think there'd be no dong? If he is 40 feet tall.....well.....do the math.
In just the opening credits of this mindless celluloid claptrap, there's a lesbian take-off on the famous photo of a woman kissing a sailor in Manhattan who is returning victorious from World War II. The lesbian make-out scene, featuring a "superhero," is bad enough.
So there were no lesbians in the 1950s...apparently never lesbian superheroines and they shouldn't kiss....I'm learning so much.
But then, we see cops looking over their naked, bloodied, dead bodies on a bed, with the words "LESBIAN WHORES," written in blood on the wall.
So....apparently they didn't get the hate crime in there....and how even superheroes are subject to this kind of violence...
Mommy, mommy, what's a lesbian? What's a whore? And remember, this is just the opening credits.
Because if they never see it, it'll never happen. Honestly if you aren't ready to have this conversation with your kids or any conversation about any subject matter in a film with your kids you don't take them to the movie...every parent I've ever met know this basic fact. So if a parent takes their kid wouldn't you give them the benefit of the doubt that they'd have this conversation and be willing talk about it?
The "plot" of this movie--if you can call it a plot--is that there were costumed superheroes in the '40s and beyond. They grew old, but some of them didn't.
What?
Then a new crop of costumed superheroes with special powers cropped up, some of whom were related to the older ones and some who still remained from the older group.
Only one has actual powers.
What an interesting way to avoid the Keene Act.
Now, a superhero known as "The Comedian"--who is also a rapist and shot a Vietnamese woman who was pregnant with his kid (all of which we see depicted on-screen)--is murdered, and some of the superheroes, "The Watchmen," get back together to find out who did it.
Insert Wolf Face Palm here.
At the same time, the Soviets are about to nuke America. It's 1985 and Nixon is President. We've won in Vietnam. Oh, and Henry Kissinger has a Russian accent. And Ronald Reagan is thinking of running for President in 1998. Wow, isn't that cool that they got it wrong on purpose? I'm so amazed at this "high-brow art" of deliberately getting dates and timelines wrong, you know, just to be "artistic," and get the drooling of the critics. That is sooooo genius. Like way totally cool.
Ugh. Its like she was doing something else and then checked in during bits and pieces.
Maybe if I make a movie about how Eisenhower was President in 1972, we "lost" World War II, and Bin Laden was gonna bomb the World Trade Center then, I'll be cool, too. . . so long as it's "dark" and I include a bunch of rape, torture, explicit sex scenes, and extremely graphic killings, and oh, write a "graphic novel" a/k/a comic book about it, first.
God. I want to punch her square in the mouth.
In the midst of this stupid story, we're treated to the following:
Oh goody.
* Dogs fighting over, tearing apart, and eating a six-year-old girl--we're shown them chowing down on and tearing apart the remaining leg and leg bone, with the sock and shoe still on the bone as the dogs wrestle over it;
Of course she forgets the build up and connotations behind it.
* A close up of man repeatedly getting an axe-blade driven through his skull while he's being butchered;
See post above.
* At least two very graphic scenes of naked superhero "Dr. Manhattan" vaporizing people to just blood, limbs, and guts hanging from the ceiling or spread in the snow;
What did she think is in people? Puppydog tails, candy and fluffy clouds?
* Many scenes of Dr. Manhattan's computer generated ^^^^^ swinging about;
Someone should sit her down and explain....girls are innies and guys are outies.
* A kid biting a giant, bloody chunk of flesh out of another kid's face--he grows up to be "Rorschach," one of the superheroes' compatriots;
How else do you become a sociopath?
* A man's hands and arms being sawed off with an electric saw--we're shown the bloody stumps and the bloody sawed off limbs in close up shots;
Hands + Saw = Stump....seems right to me.
* A man with vat of hot french fry oil deliberately thrown over his head--we literally see him fry, and he ultimately dies, we're told (no kidding);
So they are speaking out against the Fast Food industry too....
* Many, many scenes of people's hands, arms, fingers being broken in half or crunched by the "superheroes";
Heroes don't harm...they stand and tell people to stop and they do! Got it.
* Cops being set on fire and burning to death by superhero compatriot "Rorschach;"
How else was he supposed to get out?
* Superhero "The Comedian" (a bad Robert Downey, Jr. look-alike) brutally beating and raping another superhero;
He looks more like Javier Bardiem and what does the RDJ reference have anything to do with the movie? Again...in the comics its an attempted rape....was that changed?
* Superhero "The Comedian" shooting and killing a Vietnamese woman because she's pregnant with his kid;
Forget the fact that she sliced his face open or the conversation about the moral checkpoint that Manhattan has just hit considering the usage of his powers and his failure to intervene.
* Superhero "The Comedian" being thrown off a roof of a tall building--we see his body hit the ground and the blood flow out;
Again...when you are thrown off a building bodies never hit the ground and if they do Jiffy Pop comes flying out.
* Two superheroes have an explicit sex scene in a spaceship--she's on top, then he's on top, awesome--you can teach your young kids multiple sexual positions before they even reach puberty, by taking them to see this (there's a less explicit sex scene between the slutty superheroine and another superhero not long before that).
Because if they just did missionary it'd be cool. Let's not even get into the slutty comment.
And these are just the highlights, plus superheroes hurling obscenities--great for the kiddies. There's so much more--along with horrible make-up, bad acting, and terrible computer generated images (including the ^^^^^). Not to mention, a bad, extremely slow, and boring script.
What is funny is that she fails to show any plot issues she just knitpicks on the visuals.....she hasn't made me even think that she even saw the movie but the multiple trailers, behind the scenes, etc.
Yup, this is the garbage that Rupert Murdoch's Fox and Warner Brothers and Paramount are marketing toward your kids.
I don't believe this has been marketed to any kids. I didn't see Manhattan-Os on the shelf. The only place I've seen any action figures is at TRU because they carry DC Direct...other than that you'd have to go the an LCS or online....in fact the marketing towards children was almost completely eliminated?
All of these studios have a piece in this movie. And even thought the budget was just $100 to $125 million, because of a long legal battler between WB and Fox, the legal fees and pay-out make it such that they must recoup at least $200 or 300 million and make a profit. To do so, they are pimping the movie to all niches, especially your young kids.
This is one of the dumbest statement I've ever read.
But just because shameless whores and crack dealers of Hollywood deal this stuff out, doesn't mean you have to buy it and poison your kids' minds with it.
Hollywood isn't made up of all shameless whore and crack dealers...
Remember the morons I told you about who took their kids to see the latest "Friday the 13th," last month? Well, they were back with their kids at a Monday Night screening of this horribly depraved, whacked out movie.
I wonder what would happen if they saw her on the street?
Remember the White single mother who told me her ten-year-old son could see it because "he knows it's not real and he knows the difference between right and wrong"? Well, she was back with her ten-year-old, and they waited in line for at least two hours with their free pass to get in to this screening, I'm told. I saw them walking out at the end.
This oughta be interesting. Why she mentions white single mother has me scratching my head.
Her son is going to grow up to be messed up. Don't do the same to your kid.
No reasoning behind this Nstradamus?
And do yourself a favor, too. Save the ten bucks and the three hours of your life you'll never get back. And the nightmares of some guy's bloody, sawed-off arms and hands still clinging to the doors of a jail cell.
Its three hours? Cool!
I don't just worry that this is the new superhero movie being marketed to your kids today. I worry about the ones that will be even more depraved a decade from now. G-d help this country (minus Hollywood).
What is funny is as a review itself it sucks. It ^^^^^es about the various parts without focusing on the film itself, its plot, whether it tells a compelling story. Its almost like she was so hung up about the visual images and shocked that a superhero movie has this side to it that she forgot she is a film reviewer. I don't have a problem with negative reviews....when they are actual reviews. Ugh.
