Re: Batgirl - Written, Directed and Produced by Joss Whedon
I still want to do a Joker story where he's holding an open casting call for new henchmen, and accepting their rap sheets as résumés, and some dude just shows up looking exactly like Letoker.
"First question, right off the bat: what the ****, man?"
"I'm sorry?"
"Why is my name on your chest?"
"I'm a huge fan, sir. I just...I, uh, modeled myself after you in every way."
"In every way, huh?"
"Yeah, man, like, just, you know. I was reading about you and watching you on the news and **** back in high school, you know, and it just...you spoke to me, man."
"I'd like to say I'm honored, but...I really don't give a ****."
"It's cool, man, I just...I heard your crew was hirin', you know? An' I thought, like, 'wow, like, I was made for this ****," you know? Like, I'mma chase down mah dreams right her."
"Why are you talking like that?"
"Like what, sir?"
"SEE! Right there! Yes, sir, no, sir one minute, then 'I'mma be livin' that thug life' or whatever the hell it is the next."
"That's just the way I talk, sir."
"Well, you sound ****ing stupid."
"I-"
"-don't say anything."
"Huh?"
"'I don't say anything.' That's what you say."
"I don't say anything."
"You don't say anything."
"Well, why do you think you'd be an asset to my budding operation, here?"
"I'm a go-getter, I got dreams. My moms used to say that I was a shining star."
"Please tell me you killed her."
"Nah, fam. She lives in Florida."
"So, what have you done?"
"Well, when I was 15, like, me and my friend Gary, we got on our bikes, you know, and we'd, like, throw rocks at the neighborhood dogs and ****..."
"Oh, my god. Just-can I see your rap sheet? Like, just, give it to me, please."
"A'ight."
"Are you ****ing serious?"
"There a problem?"
"It says you shoplifted three cans of Four Loko from the Quick Stop on the corner of 13th and King Street."
"Yeah, man. **** is dope, yo! I mean, it was, like, a misdemeanor, and ****, but you shoulda seen the look on that pig's face when I started chuggin' that **** before he could arrest me."
"I just-Jerry, are they all like this?"
"Who?"
"The millenials."
"That guy?"
"Yeah."
"That guy's 40."
"Jesus Christ, man. Did your mom drop you on your head or something?"
"I'm sorry?"
"Fetal alcohol syndrome, right? Gotta be."
"What dat?"
"What am I saying? She's in Florida. Of course it is."
"So, did I get the job?"
"First of all, this was an experimental thing for me. I thought it'd be kind of funny, you know? Fake job interviews."
"Oh, yeah. Haha! You right, dog! That **** is LIT! It's hilarious, yo!"
"No, it really isn't. It...was actually kind of terrible, and I was very ashamed of even having come up with it."
"Oh."
"...and then I met you."
"And you was like 'you know what? This was actually a pretty dope idea, right? Haha!"
"No, I started trying to figure out ways to kill myself."
"Um."
"Here's the deal. I once tried to copyright fish with my face on it, you know that, right?"
"Yeah, man. I read about that **** on Wikipedia and ****, man!"
"Then you know I take my brand very seriously."
"Yeah, dog. I feel you. Gotta represent, know'am'sayin'?"
"Which means I can't have you running around there with my name on your chest."
"What? But-you're my idol."
"...and I don't want to be."
"Why?"
"There are a lot of reasons, but, mostly? Because you're terrible."
"Nah, man. I'm a shining star! My moms said so!"
"Wait? Do you have two moms?"
"What?"
"You keep saying 'moms;' do you have multiple mothers, because I watched this movie on skinemax the other day, and..."
"Nah, 'moms.' You know, like 'mom?'"
"YES, I KNOW YOU ****ING IDIOT. I'M JUST POINTING OUT HOW UTTERLY RIDICULOUS YOU SOUND."
"Oh."
"So, here's the deal. I'm a horrible human being."
"That's not true, man. You're just misunderstood. I know how that **** feels, too."
"Stop-now."
"'Ight."
"As I was saying, I am a horrible human being, I do bad things, and my initial inclination was to kill you, but you seem sweet, in your own, misunderstood, Forest Gump kind of way. I never did get your name, by the way."
"Oh, it's-"
"Nevermind. Don't care. Anyway, that's why I'm giving you the option to walk out of this alive!"
"You was gonna kill me?"
"All you have to do is promise never to mention my name in public, ever, and remove all derivations of my name, image, or just, anything you could associate with 'Joker,' really, from your body. That means Jerry there is going to cover 95% of your body in black ink. Don't worry. He's pretty good. He did all the tattoos at Blackgate, right, Jer?"
"That's right."
"Except that 'Damaged' there on your forehead. That you can keep."
"You like that, fam?"
"Not really, but I'm paralyzed by its authenticity, and I feel the rest of the world desperately needs to know exactly how true it rings."
"What?"
"You're an idiot. I'm saying you're an idiot."
"Oh."
"So? If you'll just walk into that room with Jerry, he'll get you all set up. And, I'm totally not going to lie to you, I am really looking forward to how much this will hurt."