Getting over my wife cheating on me..

[OSCORP]

Chaver i like you. But you need to let her know you are a MAN and will not stand for anything like this AT ALL! Time for testosterone flowage, and make it very clear you are a man and this is a marriage and you or her is gone if it's not dealt with right away! (sucks when a kid is involved, but that's the reality)

DON'T TAKE ____!

 

[The Chaver]

Does she still have contact with this guy?

She WAS working with him side by side, but I made her transfer to another facility. Although she will have me and you both believe that she transferred for other reasons... I caught her in May and she transferred in July. Yes, the guy was still calling her and yes the guy called her a couple of times in August after she had already left. I knew from the phone bills, I checked them religiously. I know it seems sick to have to do that but it was the only way I could tell if I could trust her. Believe me, it was starting look like I couldn't, with him calling her still. Se said she had to answer sometimes because it pertained to work, I was somehow not buying that, but went with it any way. The calls never ran for more than 5 minutes and were only like 3 a month. I wont' be able to check last months until the 17th. But she doesn't ahve any excuse to be talking to him at all as of now. If I find any calls to him at all this time, I will be gone!

 

[Mesa]

I don't know the actual statistics, but I think we would all be surprised at how many marriages have at least one case of infidelity. I know it's not a rare occurrence. Happened to my sister, who was ready to leave the guy. She threatened divorce and started looking into it when her husband literally got on his knees and begged her to take him back, which she ultimately did.

My brother in laws case was a little different, as it wasn't an on going thing and just a one time thing. I don't know which is worse.

I think there are married couples that learn to accept it and move on and continue to be happily married. I don't know if I'd have the strength or compassion to forgive and continue to love her, but it does happen. I really do believe my brother in law when he says he regrets he ever did it. Then again, I can almost understand because it doesn't seem like the time in the bedroom was sufficient to keep any man satisfied (before and after the cheating, I asked them both individually point blank), so I think there's plenty of blame to go around.

If you think she could do it again and doesn't seem to be sorry, then she'll do it again. If she is remorseful, you may be able to salvage the relationship, especially since you have 9 years into it already. Hopefully she just got the 7 year itch (or 9) and got it out of her system.

Regardless, I would protect yourself and if there is any evidence, such as emails and text/call records, document it so you have for later in case you need to go through a crappy and ugly divorce.

Good luck.

 

[The Chaver]

Chaver i like you. But you need to let her know you are a MAN and will not stand for anything like this AT ALL! Time for testosterone flowage, and make it very clear you are a man and this is a marriage and you or her is gone if it's not dealt with right away! (sucks when a kid is involved, but that's the reality)

DON'T TAKE ____!

Well, I am now, and it took some time to get here. If she talks to this guy one more time or does this ____ to me again, believe me I'm gone! I think my son is better of with me but I will give him the choice.

 

[jonny88]

Yeah, I thought about that too. I would never have thought that I would be undisrable to my wife. That's ____ed up! Because when I think about the great sex we had and for some reason our conversations have always been a little stale but then I thought that's what happens after ten years of marrage? But the sex has always been outstanding! I never could understand why people who get married and have a great sexual partner need to have sex with someone else besides their partner?? I'm good with one. I don't need to be sneaking around with another one just so I can get some. If I want some I'll ask my wife. If she's not in the mood then I'll beg for it. LoL!

But yeah I basically let her get away with this. I didn't leave or anything. I didn't fight it out with her, so to speak, on a daily bases. After about a few months, after I was feeling better about my self, I told her that if she didn't want to be with me and she wanted to be witht his guy, that I would go. She said "no no, I don't love him it's mot like that. I want to be with you". So I feel like if she wanted to be with him or someone else she would have left and did that. But, this tells me that if she did screw the guy and she's not in love with him then she obviously loves sex more than she's led me to believe.

you have to lay down the line. because she will have the mentality that she can do it again in the future and you might give her an other chance. just make it damn clear she only had that one strike. none of this 3 strikes crap. if l were you l would tell her to get tested for STDs before getting in the sack with her again if you have not already. if it was me l just would never be able to trust her again. but thats just me.

 

[The Chaver]

I don't know the actual statistics, but I think we would all be surprised at how many marriages have at least one case of infidelity. I know it's not a rare occurrence. Happened to my sister, who was ready to leave the guy. She threatened divorce and started looking into it when her husband literally got on his knees and begged her to take him back, which she ultimately did.

My brother in laws case was a little different, as it wasn't an on going thing and just a one time thing. I don't know which is worse.

I think there are married couples that learn to accept it and move on and continue to be happily married. I don't know if I'd have the strength or compassion to forgive and continue to love her, but it does happen. I really do believe my brother in law when he says he regrets he ever did it. Then again, I can almost understand because it doesn't seem like the time in the bedroom was sufficient to keep any man satisfied (before and after the cheating, I asked them both individually point blank), so I think there's plenty of blame to go around.

If you think she could do it again and doesn't seem to be sorry, then she'll do it again. If she is remorseful, you may be able to salvage the relationship, especially since you have 9 years into it already. Hopefully she just got the 7 year itch (or 9) and got it out of her system.

Regardless, I would protect yourself and if there is any evidence, such as emails and text/call records, document it so you have for later in case you need to go through a crappy and ugly divorce.

Good luck.

I personally think she's going through a midlife crisis. Se kept telling me how she wanted more money, how she's getting old and wants a better job. I see her socializing with these teenagers that she works with at her job. She has them all over her facebook and everything. It's no wonder she feels old, she's hanging around these kids. The guy she was seeing was 25 My wife is 35 WTF??

 

[The Chaver]

you have to lay down the line. because she will have the mentality that she can do it again in the future and you might give her an other chance. just make it damn clear she only had that one strike. none of this 3 strikes crap. if l were you l would tell her to get tested for STDs before getting in the sack with her again if you have not already. if it was me l just would never be able to trust her again. but thats just me.

Yeah a freak just messaged me abou that, I will have myself tested soon. But your right, I really do need to emphasize the 1 strike your out thing. I did tell her but maybe telling her again won't hurt.

 

[nash]

Damn chavez sorry to hear about this. Think about how things progressed...she lied from the start about every detail so far, only to eventually admit to lying...the only thing left is if she is sleeping with him. Im betting that she is lying about that one too.

If you can deal with it and get over it and want to work it out with her, more power to you. but if you simply can't Im also in the camp that says kick her ass to the curb and put your full attention to your son.

Just because you two divorce does not mean that your son will have a worse life. just a different one, but if both parents can be civil and honestly want the best for their child, you can still give him a great life.

 

[Mesa]

I personally think she's going through a midlife crisis. Se kept telling me how she wanted more money, how she's getting old and wants a better job. I see her socializing with these teenagers that she works with at her job. She has them all over her facebook and everything. It's no wonder she feels old, she's hanging around these kids. The guy she was seeing was 25 My wife is 35 WTF??

I think that is it, midlife crisis (based on the very little I know about the situation and not knowing you or her). Definitely don't play the calm and understanding "everything will be okay honey, I still love you," chump role and threaten her (with divorce/leaving/taking the kid), and mean it. Or she will have the upper hand and will know she can get away with it. If you show her how pissed you are at her alleged actions, and what you're willing to do about it, it might put things in perspective for her.

At this point, I think it's more about your feelings, not hers, since you are the victim and basically didn't do anything wrong, unless there is more to the story that you aren't sharing that would cause her to stray.



Edit: and I can't remember who was telling me their similar story, or maybe it was another board story, but their wife started doing the same thing, hanging out with the younger crowd at work, started going back out to clubs and drinking, while the husband was left at home with the kids wondering why his wife was acting out this way. Midlife crisis: Men buy expensive cars (or toys), I guess women need something else to make them feel like they are still young.

 

[azurepred]

If she would have just came out and admitted that she made a huge mistake, thats one thing, but from all your posts, i dont get any sense of remorse on her end. The long strings of lies is larger than the act itself. People make mistakes, but if you cant be honest with each other after all the years, theres something wrong there. I think you should make her go to couples counseling, or you need to get to the bottom of why she did what she did. I wouldnt be able to trust her from what i have read; i dont know the whole situation, but i get the sense that you dont trust her. Its easy for us to say you just kick her to the curb, but if you can never trust her again, then why stay?

 

[The Chaver]

I think that is it, midlife crisis (based on the very little I know about the situation and not knowing you or her). Definitely don't play the calm and understanding "everything will be okay honey, I still love you," chump role and threaten her (with divorce/leaving/taking the kid), and mean it. Or she will have the upper hand and will know she can get away with it. If you show her how pissed you are at her alleged actions, and what you're willing to do about it, it might put things in perspective for her.

At this point, I think it's more about your feelings, not hers, since you are the victim and basically didn't do anything wrong, unless there is more to the story that you aren't sharing that would cause her to stray.



Edit: and I can't remember who was telling me their similar story, or maybe it was another board story, but they're wife started doing the same thing, hanging out with the younger crowd at work, started going back out to clubs and drinking, while the husband was left at home with the kids wondering why his wife was acting out this way. Midlife crisis: Men buy expensive cars (or toys), I guess women need something else to make them feel like they are still young.

No, I don't think I did anything to deserve THIS. I have never cheated on her. We've had our problems but I don't think I led her to do this to me. If she wasn't happy then she should have had a sit down with me. I don't think anyone should cheat just because their not happy. If your not happy then tell that person and leave and find someone else after you had left. Not while your still married to your spouse. You know, she did have me believing it was my falt at first. I think I bought it for the first couple of months. But then I realized I really was no worse then her in the relationship. I think I was the better one. She really did change a lot after she started seeing him. I was "repulsive" to her, even though she would tell me that this guy did some of the same "repulsing" things I did??

I also thought about after I found out in the beginning when a all I knew she was doing was talking on the phone and texting the guy. I thought about when she asked me to go to her friends house again after that. I said okay, not knowing that she clearly hadn't been going to her friends to begin with, yet. Now I had been really nice to her before hand for almost 2 weeks after I found out about the calls and the texts, buying her things and just being overly generous to her and she still went and saw this guy after I was showering her with all this attention.

So, I'm just saying I think it was her not me. She even admitted it later that it wasn't my fault even though she was allowing me to believe myself. But really, she's all over the place. She admits something and then takes it back. She lies. She says she never said that. She said this or meant that. That she was trying to say this. That she must be really stupid because I don't understand her.. Geez I'm getting a headache typing this ____.

 

[a-dev]

I experienced something like this in a much smaller timeframe in 2008. My G/f and I were at her aunty's wedding in Italy, a week long holiday, and she got overly fond of a guy who went over with us in the family party. She pretty much ignored me and was by his side constantly as though he were her boyfriend. They stole away alone together more than once, on a visit to the beach I was left trudging through the sand carrying our bags while she and he walked on ahead. She made me look a fool. Couldn't sleep one night seething in anger as I was and took a chance to look at her phone. Sure enough there was incriminating texts and I found out that they had kissed and she was looking for more. The next day it came to a head, couldn't take being a spare pr*ck anymore, and had it out with her. It didn't go any further than the kiss apparently but regardless the whole episode and her treatment of me ruined what was our first holiday away together.

Obviously I had her promise not to contact him again and she agreed. However my trust was shaken and I didn't believe her, rightly as it turned out. She was still texting him, presumably ringing him too and for all I knew seeing him as he lived closer to her than I did. So I had to confront her a second time over it.

Well, its all better now and I'm still with her, the trust is back and I truly cannot imagine the same thing happening again. But Chaver's situation reminded me of the emotions I felt back then. Major anger, hurt, betrayal that literally made me shake - and look I'm open-minded - if she had notions in her head of a 3some with another guy I'd consider it! But the whole behind my back, taking me for a fool thing. That was hard to take.

 

[The Chaver]

If she would have just came out and admitted that she made a huge mistake, thats one thing, but from all your posts, i dont get any sense of remorse on her end. The long strings of lies is larger than the act itself. People make mistakes, but if you cant be honest with each other after all the years, theres something wrong there. I think you should make her go to couples counseling, or you need to get to the bottom of why she did what she did. I wouldnt be able to trust her from what i have read; i dont know the whole situation, but i get the sense that you dont trust her. Its easy for us to say you just kick her to the curb, but if you can never trust her again, then why stay?

Yeah dude I don't fully trust her yet but it's a work in progress. Im in love with her and I do think poeple can change. I am proof of that. I wish I could make you understand what I am trying to do here. I am trying to be as great to her as I can. If she ____s me over again then I know it's not me for sure! She can't throw that crap at me again. I know it's her in her ____ed up ways. And if she did it again.. that willl be the end..

 

[The Chaver]

I experienced something like this in a much smaller timeframe in 2008. My G/f and I were at her aunty's wedding in Italy, a week long holiday, and she got overly fond of a guy who went over with us in the family party. She pretty much ignored me and was by his side constantly as though he were her boyfriend. They stole away alone together more than once, on a visit to the beach I was left trudging through the sand carrying our bags while she and he walked on ahead. She made me look a fool. Couldn't sleep one night seething in anger as I was and took a chance to look at her phone. Sure enough there was incriminating texts and I found out that they had kissed and she was looking for more. The next day it came to a head, couldn't take being a spare pr*ck anymore, and had it out with her. It didn't go any further than the kiss apparently but regardless the whole episode and her treatment of me ruined what was our first holiday away together.

Obviously I had her promise not to contact him again and she agreed. However my trust was shaken and I didn't believe her, rightly as it turned out. She was still texting him, presumably ringing him too and for all I knew seeing him as he lived closer to her than I did. So I had to confront her a second time over it.

Well, its all better now and I'm still with her, the trust is back and I truly cannot imagine the same thing happening again. But Chaver's situation reminded me of the emotions I felt back then. Major anger, hurt, betrayal that literally made me shake - and look I'm open-minded - if she had notions in her head of a 3some with another guy I'd consider it! But the whole behind my back, taking me for a fool thing. That was hard to take.

Yeah something a lot like that. Later on I really felt like she made a fool out of me. Because she did this ____ with a guy that she worked with. I mean, I would have prefered that she did it with someone outside of work, because people aren't stupid, they know when two people like each other and are ____ing around. And I KNOW this _______ is going to be telling people about it. She's already told me that he is a gossip queen and that he cant keep his mouth shut. WTf was she thinking?

 

[Something Sexy]

It is most definitely not your fault at all. At least from how you are telling it. Never believe otherwise.

 

[a-dev]

Your situation is more serious than mine was what with you being married with a child and your having been together for longer. I was only 2 years with my G/F when that happened. I suppose what I have on you is that I saw this sh** happening before my very eyes, all apart from the kiss. Mind you I was only in the next ____king room! They took a hell of a chance. And then when we were back in Ireland I can't say for certain what happened over the next month or so while they were still in contact. There would have been many opportunities for her to see him and do who knows what. I'm sure I must have asked but I can't remember and wouldn't bring it up now. All I know is, apart from all the flirting and guilty behaviours from the two of them that I actually witnessed on the holiday and the one kiss that I found out about, I have no recollection of her admitting to anything else nor did any of the texts she forgot to delete reveal anything other than the fact she was still in contact with him despite promising not to be. She continued lying to me until I told her I'd been checking her phone every chance I got. Finding out I was right ensured I didn't feel bad about doing that. Mind you with this episode long behind us I don't check her phone at all now.

Its unfortunate in your case how much uncertainty there is about what was going on. Sounds like your wife is so evasive about the whole thing, not just what she was doing with this guy but about the state of your relationship. My G/F let me know that there were things about us that she wasn't happy with. (things that, come to think of it haven't actually changed much if at all in the time since! ) Now at the time considering that she was the one who took me on a holiday with all of her family and proceeded to humiliate me you might think I should have told her where to go telling me what she wanted. But the truth was to move forward I needed to hear from her what she thought was wrong. And I was willing to hear it because despite the betrayal (and it felt like a severe betrayal even though it wasn't exactly a fully fledged affair) it made me realise how much I loved her. So its understandable to me that you haven't done what many here have told you to do.

 

[Khev]

Chaver adultery is a deal breaker for both me and my wife. If I were you, and I really wanted to stay together, I'd pretty much demand on-your-knees-beg-for-forgiveness-ass-kissing remorse from her. Not to humiliate her but what she did was the ultimate betrayal of trust and respect and it can only be rebuilt if SHE takes some major initiative. If she doesn't realize that, and doesn't come across as having crushing remorse over what she did and an I'll-do-whatever-you-want-me-to-do-to-earn-your-trust-again attitude I'd let her go because otherwise she'll most likely do it again. Or you're going to at least live the rest of your life with a woman you don't trust.

Even Jesus says the one and only time its acceptable to divorce is for marital unfaithfulness.

I would have demanded she quit her company. No "it was a business related call" nonsense. She blew it and needs to step up. Good luck man.

 

[devilof76]

I was "repulsive" to her, even though she would tell me that this guy did some of the same "repulsing" things I did??

That sounds like guilt, and not of the emotional infidelity variety.

 

[Deak Starkiller]

If the guy bought stuff for everyone, she would have had no need to hide it. If they were just friends, she would have no need to hide it. You obviously don't know for certain, but I wouldn't exactly take what she says at face value either, since she hasn't had a problem lying to you for months.

Right. If everything was copacetic then she would have been open to you about the gifts. Cheaters always protect the things that are most precious to them (the affair). A word to the wise stay away from her cell phone...a buddy of mine almost saw the other guy's ____ on his wife's phone. Sounds like she is into this guy, she found something that she sees that he gives her that you don't...whatever that may be. That's what they do, they look for the opposite to "fulfill their needs". Good luck man, your son is priority but so is your sanity.

 

[automaton]

staying together for the sake of a child may seem like a nobel act, but what type of message does this teach the kid?