Getting over my wife cheating on me..

[Maglor]

She's definitely not telling me everything. And the only reason I know the half of it was from my own investigative work. I think she just is afraid I will look at her diffferent if she tells me eveything.

You need to straight up with her. Do it tonight even. Demand she tell you everything or else it is over. If you want it to work out, which again I disagree with, you need FULL disclosure if you want the trust back.

I would just add that the way you do it will make a big difference. I would say don't say "Tell me the truth or it's over." That will just enforce her fears. But get yourself in a place mentally where you are ready to forgive her even if she has cheated, and say something like I really want this to work, but I need to know the truth."

Try to reassure her that even if she cheated you are willing to work with her.

Unless, of course, you would not be willing to work through it.

 

[BadMoon]

Wow! This is horrible! I truely am sorry man. A few random thoughts.

-She is 35 and cheated with a 25 year old speaks volumes about her character and confidence.

-You have been together a long time. So working it out isn't unheard of.

-If you want to work out it you need her full disclosure as well as counseling. If neither of you want to seek council you might as well forget about it. You might even discover something you did to make her want to do this in the first place. Who knows?

-If it was me she would no longer work at that employer anymore. Why put a beer in front of an alcoholic so to speak.

That's it for now. If you do decided to split I would also make her be up front with her family. Because there are children involved you don't want to look like the bad guy.

Take it from me though. Don't put up with no bull ____. Personally I've been through my own shat in this department 2 years ago. And:

I kept all of possessions

I made her pay for the divorce in full

She also covered half of all bills until I found a place of my own (I kicked her out the VERY day I found out)

And don't blame yourself

Oh and I kept the dog No WAY in HELL was she taking my Maggers.

Also the day she left she gave me the whole "You'll never make it without me." speach.

UMMMM WRONG!

In the two years since she has left I have done the following:

Got a decent promotion at work

Bought myself a new car

Bought myself a house

Got ANOTHER promotion

And the most important thing. I've grown further as a person and learned a lot from it.

I also took great pleasure in calling her for things I needed while getting the mortgage on my house. It turns out she was still listed under one of my bank accounts and I had to have her removed.

Boy it has never felt so good to throw something in someones face as that phone call. I wasn't rude. I was just to the point. And honestly she was "nice" enough to fill out the paperwork and fax it right back.

At the end of the day I KNOW I am better OFF without her. So maybe she was right? Either way I sure have had a kick ass time being single and have met and dated a lot of great women.

So yeah I guess I'm struggling right now.

 

[Maglor]

Great post BadMoon.

 

[ProgMatinee]

I'm sorry Chaver, this really makes me feel queezy reading. Not sure what to say other than I agree that everything needs to be put out on the table and full disclosure in order for it to be patched together...but even still it will probably never be the same.

 

[Jen]

I too find it troubling that she doesn't want to talk about this and just sweep it under the rug like it never happened. Breaking the trust two people have is major. I don't see how you can move forward and try and forgive and work on things if she isn't willing to be completely honest with you.

 

[uscmhicks]

I haven't really got any advice to offer but I hope you can get it all worked out mate.

 

[Darkseed]

I too find it troubling that she doesn't want to talk about this and just sweep it under the rug like it never happened. Breaking the trust two people have is major. I don't see how you can move forward and try and forgive and work on things if she isn't willing to be completely honest with you.

I concur. It needs dealt with not ingored. Her behavior was inappropriate at best and caused you pain. Not dealing with it gets her off the hook two ways: 1 not dealing with your pain 2. Not dealing with her behavior.

Why someone who cares about you is willing to do that is a concern IMO

 

[Bannister]

In the two years since she has left I have done the following:

Got a decent promotion at work

Bought myself a new car

Bought myself a house

Got ANOTHER promotion

And the most important thing. I got to meet Bannister.

 

[Khev]

Want to watch her come clean real quick? Tell her you just found out you have an STD.

(Kidding of course, more lying is never the way to go.)

 

[Luis138]

Sex is not necessary to cheat. Even if there was nothing physical, she cheated on you emotionally and mentally. The fact that she was spending time with someone else that is not her husband is cheating. She knew it was wrong, that is why she lied and went around your back.

You could forgive her all you want but you won't be able to forget ever. Are you willing to live with that?

Luis

 

[BadMoon]

You know what? There is truth to that. I never would have had the chance to meet you guys had I still been with her.

 

[Jen]

You know what? There is truth to that. I never would have had the chance to meet you guys had I still been with her.

And you probably wouldn't have your bad ass Phoenix tattoo.

 

[hairlesswookiee]

I think you misread my post - I said that if they can salvage this relationship then it is worth a shot. But if they can't and there is animosity, mistrust or resentment - I don't see how that can be a positive environment for a child. A child can still be raised by both parents in a divorce - it just requires commitment on both of their parts to make it work.

Personally, I'd pack up and go. She did it once, she's more likely going to do it again if she thinks she can get away with it. It's good to see you both trying to work it out for the sake of your son, but you'd be lying to yourself if you believe it will work if you guys can't trust one another.

 

[The Chaver]

Don't be afraid Chav, be a Man let your balls drop and TELL her WHATS UP!


(seen too many men put up with this kinda ____, she knows she HAS you from what i read...Prove her wrong!)

My balls are in her court right now. We'll see what she does with them. If she stomps them by ____ing me over like this again then I will take em back slap her in the face with them and leave her. As far as asking her to come clean.. the only way I see that happening is if I do some more investigative work and find out for sure, that she is lying about what she did admited to. I really can't make her admit to something that she doesn't want to. I tried already and all she did was scream at me and hit her self in the head with her shoe and the remote... I have to have the goods on her.

Yeah, she is pretty much getting away with it. She does have me, but I hope she is taking it as, that is how much I care for her, not as "she has my balls" so to speak.

 

[The Chaver]

People are generally to quick to give up on relationships.

Yeah, I've been with her too long for me to just dump her ass without a second chance. I know some believe that cheating is the ultimate betrayel and that there is no room for mercy. I would agree with them if I hadn't done some things to her in the past.. I never cheated, but I did disrespect her quite a few times in our early years. Maybe I made her feel like she wasn't good enough for me when we first got together. I guess I felt that way because she was usually always mean and was always depressed and I didn't know how to deal with, or didn't want someone like that. I wasn't sure I wanted to be with her and I kept doing things that would warrant a break up! I didn't really care about her/us back then. But that changed 6 years ago.. I really loved her from then on. I really started to respect her and be more understanding and things seemed good up until a year ago...

 

[The Chaver]

I would just add that the way you do it will make a big difference. I would say don't say "Tell me the truth or it's over." That will just enforce her fears. But get yourself in a place mentally where you are ready to forgive her even if she has cheated, and say something like I really want this to work, but I need to know the truth."

Try to reassure her that even if she cheated you are willing to work with her.

Unless, of course, you would not be willing to work through it.

I tried that approach didn't work for me. I told her I would be alright with her if she told me she did screw him. I got the same old line "how am I going to admit to something I didnt do?" I think she said once that "if that's what I want to hear then yeah I ____ed him!"

 

[The Chaver]

Wow! This is horrible! I truely am sorry man. A few random thoughts.

-She is 35 and cheated with a 25 year old speaks volumes about her character and confidence.

-You have been together a long time. So working it out isn't unheard of.

-If you want to work out it you need her full disclosure as well as counseling. If neither of you want to seek council you might as well forget about it. You might even discover something you did to make her want to do this in the first place. Who knows?

-If it was me she would no longer work at that employer anymore. Why put a beer in front of an alcoholic so to speak.

That's it for now. If you do decided to split I would also make her be up front with her family. Because there are children involved you don't want to look like the bad guy.

Take it from me though. Don't put up with no bull ____. Personally I've been through my own shat in this department 2 years ago. And:

I kept all of possessions

I made her pay for the divorce in full

She also covered half of all bills until I found a place of my own (I kicked her out the VERY day I found out)

And don't blame yourself

Oh and I kept the dog No WAY in HELL was she taking my Maggers.

Also the day she left she gave me the whole "You'll never make it without me." speach.

UMMMM WRONG!

In the two years since she has left I have done the following:

Got a decent promotion at work

Bought myself a new car

Bought myself a house

Got ANOTHER promotion

And the most important thing. I've grown further as a person and learned a lot from it.

I also took great pleasure in calling her for things I needed while getting the mortgage on my house. It turns out she was still listed under one of my bank accounts and I had to have her removed.

Boy it has never felt so good to throw something in someones face as that phone call. I wasn't rude. I was just to the point. And honestly she was "nice" enough to fill out the paperwork and fax it right back.

At the end of the day I KNOW I am better OFF without her. So maybe she was right? Either way I sure have had a kick ass time being single and have met and dated a lot of great women.

So yeah I guess I'm struggling right now.

Great post indeed moon. It's a possibility that I might be better off without her but this marriage is not that damaged from where I'm standing and I have a lot more to lose. If I didn't love her anymore or didn't have a son with her then I would be - fine, ____ let me get the hell out of here then!

 

[BadMoon]

And you probably wouldn't have your bad ass Phoenix tattoo.

Oh I forgot that one Jen!

See all kinds of goodness had come from this.

However, Chaver, it takes a while to see the good. That part I know.

 

[The Chaver]

Sex is not necessary to cheat. Even if there was nothing physical, she cheated on you emotionally and mentally. The fact that she was spending time with someone else that is not her husband is cheating. She knew it was wrong, that is why she lied and went around your back.

You could forgive her all you want but you won't be able to forget ever. Are you willing to live with that?

Luis

Yeah, I know it's always going to be in the back of my mind. Forgive never forget, I'm with you there. Emotional cheating is just the same as screwing the guy in my book. Becasue in both cases she's getting it from someone that she feels she can't get from me.

My wife actually shares too much with everyone. Way more than I wold like. Even when her life is going well she still shares too much with people outside the relationship. And then she tries to make me believe that she doesnt. Sometimes I feel like when I'm around her co workers or her friends that they are looking at me in a strange way? Like they know something about me..

 

[The Chaver]

Oh I forgot that one Jen!


However, Chaver, it takes a while to see the good. That part I know.

How do you mean?