GI JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA (ABRIDGED SCRIPT)
FADE IN:
EXT. EURASIA
CHANNING TATUM and MARLON WAYANS are driving along a dirt road.
MARLON WAYANS
As I much as I love driving these top secret ultra deadly nano-missiles to somewhere or another, I’ve been thinking we should join the Air Force.
CHANNING TATUM
Nah, I like being a ground soldier. I want to actually be in the fight, not flying over it.
MARLON WAYANS
“Flying over it”? You hear that, United States Air Force? Director Stephen Sommers wants you to know he thinks you’re a bunch of pussies.
Suddenly their vehicle is attacked by a CGI JET carrying SIENNA MILLER, ARNOLD VOSLOO, and some HENCHMEN.
SIENNA MILLER
Channing, hand over the weapon or I’ll blow your brains out.
CHANNING TATUM
Sienna? Are you a ninja librarian now? Because if so, that’s hot.
MARLON WAYANS
You know this chick?
CHANNING TATUM
I used to be engaged to her. But then her little geek brother joined the army I let him get killed despite unwisely promising I’d protect him.
MARLON WAYANS
Nothing you could do, war is hell.
CHANNING TATUM
Then when I got back I didn’t go to his funeral. I also didn’t speak to her at all, preferring instead that she cope with the death of her brother without the consolation of her future husband.
MARLON WAYANS
…wow. Yeah, go ahead and shoot him I guess.
CHANNING TATUM
That’s no excuse, Sienna! You’ve become totally evil and ridiculous-looking!
SIENNA MILLER
Hey, at least my name doesn’t sound like a present-tense verb.
Suddenly, RACHEL NICHOLS, SAID TAGHMAOUI, ADEWALE AKINNUOYE-AGBAJE, and RAY PARK fly in and chase SIENNA away. CHANNING and MARLON hop into their JET and, after a brief video game cutscene from 1998, land at the TOP SECRET G.I. JOE BASE.
INT. G.I. JOE BASE
CHANNING and MARLON meet DENNIS QUAID.
DENNIS QUAID
(consulting script)
Let’s see here… welcome to this elite unit, yadda yadda yadda… best of the best blah blah blah… dangerous weapon can destroy the world etc… annnnnnnd welcome to G.I. Joe headquarters, where’s my paycheck?
CHANNING TATUM
So what is this? I know you’re not regular army, since two of you have accents.
SAID TAGHMAOUI
Oh, I didn’t realize people from other countries were no longer allowed to become American citizens, ^^^^^^^. Anyway, I’m “Breaker”. I’m the resident gadget guy. Whenever the writers can’t get out of a problem, I spew some scientific-sounding horse^^^^ and fix it with wires and batteries.
RACHEL NICHOLS
I’m “Scarlett”. I’m pretty much only here because the villains have a female on the team and otherwise there would be no hot chickfights.
ADEWALE AKINNUOYE-AGBAJE
I’m “Heavy Duty” and my specialty is that I’m the black guy.
MARLON WAYANS
Are you the obnoxious, wise-cracking black guy or the stern, intimidating black guy?
ADEWALE AKINNUOYE-AGBAJE
Second one.
MARLON WAYANS
Sweet, there’s an opening for me.
CHANNING TATUM
(pointing at Ray Park)
And who’s this walking action figure?
RACHEL NICHOLS
That’s “Snake Eyes”. He doesn’t talk.
CHANNING TATUM
Because he took a mysterious vow of silence when he was in training?
RACHEL NICHOLS
Nah, I think it’s because someone made his costume with skin-tight lips for some reason.
RAY PARK
Mrrphhgle.
CHANNING TATUM
Man, Ray Park just cannot seem to find speaking roles. Does the guy sound like a chipmunk or something?
CHANNING and MARLON go through a TRAINING sequence that everyone has seen a thousand times before. Meanwhile…
INT. COBRA HIDEOUT
CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON berates SIENNA MILLER.
CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON
How could you let them get away with the warheads? They contain magical tiny robots that eat metal and do anything else the plot requires!
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
Speaking of which, my nanomite solution has been injected into our soldiers. They are now incapable of feeling physical pain.
CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON
You gave us an army of James Bond villains?
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
Slow down there, this ^^^^ is nowhere near as realistic as James Bond.
INT. G.I. JOE BASE
MARLON and CHANNING continue training. MARLON scores 99% on the “Hogan’s Alley Challenge”.
RACHEL NICHOLS
You missed one. The record is 100%.
MARLON WAYANS
Who got that, Ray Park?
RACHEL NICHOLS
Nope, it was actually–
MARLON WAYANS
Said? Dennis Quaid? Brendan Fraser? Mark Wahlberg?
RACHEL NICHOLS
He’s not even in the movie! No, it was–
MARLON WAYANS
Well I know it wasn’t you, since you’re the only chump on the team whose weapon actually has to aim for her.
SUDDENLY, SIENNA and some HENCHMEN enter and they fight. Everyone fights against their EQUAL but SIENNA escapes with the NUCLEAR ECTO-COOLER and CHANNING TATUM.
MARLON WAYANS
We have to get Channing back. If they kill him, he won’t be able to be some other director’s third choice.
SAID TAGHMAOUI
Hold on, I can use the neutron polarity inversion to imbalance the density protocol carrier and… yep, they’re underneath the polar icecaps.
RACHEL NICHOLS
The polar ice caps? But we’ll need the Arctic Blast to carry us and we don’t have one!
ADEWALE AKINNUOYE-AGBAJE
Hey, kids! The Joes need your help! Buy 10 qualifying G.I. Joe brand action figures and send the proofs of purchase and a check for $20 to G.I. Joe Headquarters to receive your very own limited edition Arctic Blast vehicle! Limit one per household, offer void where prohibited.
INT. COBRA HIDEOUT
MARLON, SAID, RACHEL, ADEWALE, and RAY all break into THE VILLAIN HIDEOUT PLAYSET. Meanwhile, JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT explains his evil plan to CHANNING.
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
…so you see, it all started with Christopher Eccleston selling weapons to both sides, but eventually I will take over as commander of this evil terrorist organization!
CHANNING TATUM
So, basically, the bad guys in this franchise are so utterly ridiculous that they require an entire movie to justify their existence?
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
Yes, it’s even the movie subtitle. By the way, I’m Sienna’s brother, the one you thought you let die!
CHANNING TATUM
And Sienna has been working next to you for the last four years without figuring this out?
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
Correct.
CHANNING TATUM
And Cobra Commander is going to end up being the scrawny kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun?
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
Yep.
CHANNING TATUM
Yeah, I can see why they thought they’d need an entire movie to justify that.
CHANNING escapes, but so do JOSEPH and CHRISTOPHER. They launch NANOMITE WARHEADS at MOSCOW and WASHINGTON, D.C. Meanwhile, ADEWALE leads an assault on the UNDERWATER BASE, killing thousands of innocent henchmen that are under the influence of MIND CONTROL.
CHANNING TATUM
Wow, look at all the crazy crap going on. This movie must have been expensive as hell.
RACHEL NICHOLS
Are you kidding? All we did was film a 10-year-old boy playing with action figures and then digitally remove him.
MARLON WAYANS
Those warheads need to be shot down. And since earlier I referenced being a pilot, this seems like the only thing in the movie I might be good at. Unless, for some reason, you need someone to dress up like a blond white girl while looking like a hideous monster from the depths of hell.
MARLON boards a jet and then flies to MOSCOW.
MARLON WAYANS
Alright I’ve targeted the missile, but there’s no way to fire my weapons!
RACHEL NICHOLS
It must use a trigger word. Try “Fantastic”. Don’t ask.
MARLON shoots down the missile, which doesn’t eat through everything after it explodes for some reason.
MARLON WAYANS
Alright, now guide me to Washington D.C. for the other one.
RACHEL NICHOLS
That’s nearly 5,000 miles away and you have fifteen minutes. You’d have to travel at 20,000 miles per hour. That’s about 26 times the speed of sound.
MARLON WAYANS
Said, hook me up.
SAID TAGHMAOUI
Oh uh, localize the bandwidth thruster to balance the flux reversal.
MARLON flies to the other MISSILE and crashes into it. The NANOMITES start eating through his METAL SHIP so he ejects and the NANOMITES decide not to eat through his METAL SUIT.
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT gives CHRISTOPHER a METAL MASK and injects him with MIND CONTROL NANOMITES.
CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON
Really? Going forward, the second-in-command is just going to be another person under the influence of mind control? Weaksauce, Tommy.
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
From now on, you will call me…
(putting on skull from Indiana Jones 4)
COMMANDER!
CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON
(laughing hysterically)
Ohhh, so this scene is the reason theaters showing this movie have piss stains on the seats!
CHRISTOPHER and JOSEPH are CAPTURED and placed in MAGNETO’S PRISON CELL as if they have some kind of super-powers.
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
This isn’t over! They gave Michael Bay a second Transformers movie, there’s no way this brainless pile of ^^^^ won’t get a sequel.
CHANNING TATUM
I’ll be channing, Joseph.
Meanwhile, ARNOLD VOSLOO uses NANOMITES to impersonate the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES and takes control of the country.
ARNOLD VOSLOO
Finally, my plan to masquerade as president has succeeded and my incessant whistling of “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” has become relevant!
PRESIDENT’S AIDE
Mr. President, you seem slightly different. Like this somehow isn’t your first Stephen Sommers movie.
ARNOLD VOSLOO
No idea what you’re talking about. I’m definitely the president. Um, but if anyone comes around asking for my birth certificate or anything, tell them I lost it.
PRESIDENT’S AIDE
Can’t imagine that being a problem, sir.
END
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