Okay, I've had a night to sleep on it and really contemplate the travesty that is Into Darkness. Yes, it was really that bad. Let me see if I can put to words the whirlwind of feelings I had after watching this movie. And let me say that the comments below will have a ton of spoilers in them.
First, let me say that part of this is my fault. How so? Like many Trekkies I waved away a lot of JJ Abram's inconsistencies and plot holes from his first movie. Partially because we were so grateful to get a new Star Trek film after the horrific Berman/Braga period (henceforth to be known as the "Dark Times") and partially because I thought he was getting his "space" legs, so to speak.
So things like a cadet being plopped into the Captain's chair and then keeping him there at the end of the film had me giving a forced laugh and just choosing to ignore that little (BIG) problem. And the horrible villain of Nero...well, again, first attempt, right?
Let me pause right here to say that when JJ Abrams rebooted the franchise, he kept a tie into the original timeline and brought in old Spock to lessen the "blow" to Star Trek fans. I understand the reasoning...but if you do that, you're constraining yourself to a lot of things that happened before the timelines diverged like, say, the history of the Federation and how space in the Star Trek universe is laid out. And its established way things work in that universe. Small stuff. If you had a full reboot - well, then that wouldn't be a problem. But he DIDN'T. Just keep in mind, as you read below; that Nero diverged our timeline by showing up and killing the Kelvin and Kirk's Dad. Yeah, I'm all for the "butterfly effect" and how even a small event can have wide changes. But...seriously....that one incursion into our timeline can't explain everything that's so radically different.
And so we begin.
The movie begins with the Enterprise on a "typical" mission, jumping right into the action on a Class M planet with a primitive culture. You have Sulu, Uhura, and Spock trying to stop the detonation of a volcano that will destroy the whole planet (yeah, I'm not going to touch that one - I got bigger fish to fry). Kirk and McCoy are running from the natives because of something that Kirk did.
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Why are Kirk and McCoy trying to blend in with the natives? If they're trying to stop the destruction of the planet and trying to maintain the secrecy of the Prime Directive, isn't that a bit....say, pointless? Ridiculous?
So, things go wrong in the volcano and Spock is stranded there with his "cold fusion" device that will freeze the volcano.
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Cold fusion, JJ? Really? Part of Star Trek was that a lot of it was partially based on real science. That's why many NASA scientists, or scientists in general, were inspired by Star Trek. And why there aren't TIE fighter sounds in space like, say, other franchises. Cold fusion is an established concept. Like, today. And it doesn't freeze stuff. Just sayin.
So Kirk, McCoy, Sulu, and Uhura make it back to the Enterprise that is hiding underwater.
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Um, it's a spaceship. Not that it being underwater isn't cool, but if you're trying to avoid detection, wouldn't it be a lot easier to hide in, say, space?? You know, where the natives can't see you arrive and depart? How would they get back to the ship you ask, JJ Abrams? Transporters, right? Oh, we'll get to that one real soon.
So they can't rescue Spock from the planet-destroying volcano because they have to have line of sight to beam him aboard and that would involve bringing the Enterprise out of the water and breaking the Prime Directive when all the natives see a giant spaceship emerging from the ocean.
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Okay, let me just say, starting from the last movie and including this movie, transporters in this timeline just SUCKS. Apparently, the engineer who made transporters function at least 20% of the time apparently died on the Kelvin. Because in this timeline, if you break wind you apparently can't be beamed out. And the awesome part is that they try to explain away that staple of Trekdom each and every time. We can't transport them because of <insert an eye rolling excuse>. It only works when the plot lets it work. Every. Single. Time.
So, of course, they raise the Enterprise and beam him out. Spock's immediate response is "Captain, you broke the Prime Directive." And essentially Kirk is like "Yeah, more like Prime Suggestion, am I right? Who's with me on that one? Anyone?"
Next up, an agent in London has his daughter saved by this Harrison guy in exchange for blowing himself up and a building. More on that later.
Kirk and Spock return and head to Pike's office super enthused that they are going to get the Five Year Mission (TM).
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Uniforms. Gotta take some time on them. Okay, they really, really, really sucked. Why is everyone wearing caps now? What's with the other uniforms that have shoulder "spikes" of color? Caps? Really?
So Pike chastises Kirk based on Spock's report because Kirk completely fabricated his report, saying that he isn't ready for the Chair.
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Yeah, Pike, that's what happens when you put a cadet in the Captain's chair. Don't act all surprised when he hot rods the Enterprise around the galaxy getting in trouble and laughing at the Prime Suggestion.
He then says that Kirk will lose command of the Enterprise. Later, as Kirk is at a bar, Pike joins him and says he really believes in Kirk and blah, blah, blah, blah. And that the Enterprise was given back to him and that he would make Kirk his new First Officer since he's having Spock reassigned.
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You know, if I were a career Starfleet officer, I'd be PISSED that a bunch of cadets hold senior positions just because they keep getting bailed out by Dad, er, certain senior Starfleet officers.
They get a call from Starfleet Command to assemble because of the terrorist act in London. When they arrive, Kirk explains to Spock that he's now a Commander and he'll be the Enterprise's First Officer.
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So at this point we realize that rank really has no structure or meaning in this timeline's Starfleet. Cadet to Captain to Commander. Kind of a rank "curve" so to speak.
So they discuss tracking down this Harrison guy, when Harrison himself shows up in a craft outside their window and starts blasting away.
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Hi, JJ, the audience here. Hey, when you have people break out weaponry and start firing, can you NOT viciously throttle the camera and cut every couple of milliseconds? I know, we're demanding in wanting to actually SEE the action. Crazy.
So Kirk breaks out a fire hose, ties his phaser rifle to it, and tosses it into the exhaust of the craft. Yes, fire hose. No, I'm not even going to STOP for that one.
So Pike is dying and Spock decides, hey, I'm curious, I'm going to mind meld with him to see what it feels like when someone dies. Dude. Seriously? That's pretty twisted.
And just like that, Kirk's "father figure" is dead.
The next day Scotty calls Kirk up saying that Harrison used Scotty's deus ex machina from the last movie to beam directly from Earth to the Klingon Homeworld. Holy ****! So, transporters barely work except when beaming between quadrants. Gotcha.
So Kirk and company bust into Admiral Marcus' office and tell him what they found. He tells him that the target in London that Harrison blew up wasn't really an archive, but a research center for a top secret branch of Starfleet called Section 31.
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Again, JJ, you CHOSE to have only a partial reboot. Section 31 is a Federation extremist organization that goes WAY back before Nero's incursion. I understand you wanted to give Trek fans a wink and a nod, but it turned out to be more like a middle finger.
Kirk requests to be given back command of the Enterprise so he can go after Harrison by going to the Klingon homeworld. If HE goes, he reasons, he won't provoke war with the Klingons because it's just him.
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Good point, so which ship are you going to take? The Enterprise, with the huge Starfleet logo emblazoned on it? And the Klingons will just say "yeah, it's a Federation ship, buuuuut it's just Kirk so it can't be a provocation for war by the Federation. It's not like we're a war-like Empire or anything."
Marcus says, no, but you can take advance Section 31 torpedoes, park yourself in the Neutral Zone, and bombard the Klingon homeworld.
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Um, what? Didn't you say that you didn't want to provoke a war? And those are some LONG range torpedoes Then again, in THIS universe Earth and the Klingon homeworld are apparently a system or two over.
So they put the torpedoes aboard and are getting ready to go when Scotty refuses to sign for the torpedoes because he can't scan the fuel system. So Scotty resigns. Meanwhile Spock keeps whining about how illogical this mission is, saying that if relations are tense between the Federation and the Empire, that bombarding the Klingon homeworld may not blah blah blah blah. Sorry: that's what Kirk heard on that last part.
So Kirk makes Chekov the new Chief Engineer and we're all supposed to be nervous for him considering how inexperienced he is. Hey, not nitpicking or anything, but your Kepten has just as much experience as you do, Chekov. Yeah.
So they are about to warp out and Kirk relents to Spock's concerns and says INSTEAD of bombarding the Klingon homeworld from the Neutral Zone we'll be parking in orbit and sending an armed landing party down. It's an unihabited section of the Klingon homeworld, so piece of cake, right? Spock says "much better!!!" Apparently, all concerns about provoking an interstellar war are quelled now that we're just ignoring the Neutral Zone and putting armed Starfleet officers on the surface of the Klingon homeworld.
So they warp to Kronos, the Klingon homeworld, and a couple of minutes later (remember, Earth and Kronos are right next to each other), the engine breaks down and strands them near Kronos. At this point, Kirk decides to alter his original plan and just fly out the smuggler ship they had captured last week (super convenient) to Kronos. He stresses they can't have any Starfleet identification with them so as not to start a war.
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So, originally you were to make it to Kronos and THEN launch the ship. Again, wouldn't the Enterprise herself be a big Starfleet identifier? Hang on, is the Enterprise still a part of Starfleet? It is LITERALLY Kirk's private ship?
So they enter Kronos' atmosphere, get attacked by Klingon ships and are forced down. Uhura speaks Klingon and says she's their ONLY option as three ships point their weapons at Kirk and company. So she strides out and speaks to the Klingon commander. The first thing she says is "We're here to help you."
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NOTHING endears you to a war like culture that thrives on strength and dominance more than saying that they need help. Nice job, Uhura. Needless to say, things go badly.
Then Harrison arrives with mega gun in one hand and disruptor rifle in the other. He takes out a couple of ships (yes, I did say ships - plural) and a whole flock of Klingons before surrendering to Kirk.
They get back to the Enterprise and Harrison reveals he is *****KHAN****. No, that's not my exaggeration, that's just how Cumberbatch says it. To JJ Abrams credit, Kirk isn't a Trek fan, so he's like "whatevs". Apparently, the torpedoes contain all of the other genetically enhanced superhumans from the Eugenic Wars and Khan was woken by Admiral Marcus in order to defend the far too peaceful Federation against exterior threats.
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So in this movie, Khan is Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man. Now Marcus can't control Khan (no way!).
Secretly Khan put his beloved fellow supermen in armed torpedoes for safe keeping.
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That's BRILLIANT. Way to go Khan. And he's shocked when Marcus gives them to Kirk and says "hey, shoot these cool new torpedoes".
He tells Kirk to check out some coordinates, so Kirk calls Scotty at a bar and tells him he should go to said coordinates. So he does. Meanwhile, the hot new science officer that just transferred is apparently a fake and actually the daughter of Admiral Marcus. She's apparently suspicious of the torpedoes. So they open one on a barren world, with McCoy's help because he has "steady hands" <eye roll>. Insert tension and the discovery of the cryogenically suspended supermen in the torpedoes.
So, Admiral Marcus arrives in his new warship that's supposed to be all secret (except for the model on his desk at the beginning of the movie...shhhh) and basically confessed to everything and asks that Kirk hand over Khan. So Kirk warps out, despite Chekov saying that the engines may not exactly work. Khan tells Carol Marcus that her father's ship, the Vengeance, can overtake ships in warp (apparently that's new - again, another fine mind must have been lost aboard the Kelvin). So Carol Marcus runs-
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RUNS..
..to the Bridge, passing wall intercom after wall intercom, to warn Kirk that Admiral Marcus will catch up with - BOOM.
The Vengeance shows up, puts holes in the Enterprise, especially its engineering section, and forcing it out of warp.
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Okay, this pet peeve of mine has gotten crazy ridiculous in this movie. So when the Kelvin attacked, the guy who put decks in engineering sections apparently died. Because the whole "chemical processing plant" background to engineering in this timeline is REALLY getting old. And ridiculous. Basically, the Enterprise is a portable hole. JJ, you SHOWED the scale of the Enterprise when it was built on the ground (not going to even touch that here). But every time we see Engineering it's WAAAAY bigger than would fit in the hull. And we get to see the warp core and such as well - all of which looks like the love child of an industrial manufacturing factory and the Large Hadron Collider. And apparently, the Federation version of the OSHA guy died on the Kelvin as well. Talk about one big death trap.
They are about to be toast, so Carol Marcus says "if you're going to kill them, you'll have to kill me." Admiral Marcus says "nope" and transports her off. Kirk looks at Spock and says "we gotta get one of *those* transporters" (kidding). So Kirk says "spare my crew" and Admiral Marcus says "nope" but all of a sudden he loses power. Apparently Scotty went to those coordinates and got aboard the Vengeance and sabotaged it temporarily.
So Kirk decides to trust Khan (<sigh>) and space jump to the Vengeance. The audience is then confused...didn't they do a space jump in the last movie? Meanwhile, Spock sets up a collect call to "New Vulcan".
On the bridge, the old Mr. Spock shows up on the main viewer. The new Spock says "Mr. Spock" and the old one says "Mr. Spock" in front of the entire bridge crew.
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Good thing the old Spock is way mellow. Otherwise he would be like "Hey, young Spock, remember when I said that I wouldn't help you and that we should keep my identity secret? You do realize you have the entire bridge crew behind you, right?"
So new Spock asks for old Spock to help him. Old Spock says "I told you I wouldn't do that, but now that you ask, I totally will." Literally in that amount of time. I'm sure after the conversation, new Spock looked around the bridge and said "wait, I didn't tell you about him, did I?"
So hilarity ensues aboard the Vengeance and Kirk, Scotty, and Khan capture the bridge. Khan squishes Admiral Marcus' head between his hands (yes, really) and then tells Spock to beam over all the torpedoes. And, to satisfy the plot, er, have the Captain "go down with his ship," he beams Kirk, Scotty, and Carol Marcus back to the Enterprise.
Based on old Spock's advice, new Spock removed all the supermen-cicles and armed all the torpedoes. So after beaming them over, they explode and severely damage the Vengeance. But - wait - the Enterprise starts falling into Earth's atmosphere because of the damage it took. So Kirk goes with Scotty to engineering and finds that the warp core is misaligned. So Kirk (instead of Spock from Star Trek II - wink and nod from JJ) goes in to the irradiated core and "realign" it by kicking it. Repeatedly. And, no, I'm not exaggerating that.
That saves the Enterprise from falling, but Spock gets the bad news to come to Engineering. There they have a reverse moment from the end of Star Trek II with Kirk dying of radiation, as both spout out exact words from Star Trek II. Some might hate that, but I thought it was interesting. Then, when Kirk dies, Spock screams "KHAAAAAAAAAN!!!!"
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No, just stop. That's so incredibly over the top that I started laughing out loud. That was really stupid.
So the Vengeance plummets past the Enterprise right into San Francisco. Spock, now SuperMad (TM) wants Khan beamed aboard. Yeah, remember the transporters don't work unless the plot dictates? In this case, the plot says that Spock can beam DOWN to chase after Khan. So he does.
Huge chase and fisticuff hilarity ensues. Back aboard the Enterprise, McCoy discovers that if he randomly injects Khan's blood into, say, a tribble (ooooh, yes - you heard me a right, a tribble), it'll bring it back to life. Apparently Khan has "super platelets" which brings people back from the dead. Nice science there, JJ. So McCoy tries to get a hold of Spock to tell him to get Khan back alive so he can use his super blood. Uhura decides to take the one-way transporter trip and help her boyfriend subdue Khan.
Flash forward two weeks and Kirk is alive thanks to the super blood and Khan was put back on ice. Kirk and company are given back the Enterprise for their Five Year Mission (TM) and Chris Pine gets to recite "Space, the final frontier..." and all that.
Roll credits. And, yes, I waited for after the credits for JJ Abrams to say "Yeah, sorry about all that. But, as I said in my interviews, I like Star Wars better. Cya!"
So, all in all, a horrible movie. Any positives? Well, JJ Abrams is always good writing dialogue, so that was good. And the acting, in general, was very good. Chris Pine was the weakest link, but okay.
Okay, so retitle this movie Star Trek The Phantom Menace and we're all set. <sigh>
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