Guys. This is all cool. I am not against anyone having their say. My only fear was that many wouldn't understand why I got so damned behind. I didn't foresee, as it was happening, just how piled up it would get. Again, I was, at one time, a LONG time ago it seems, keeping up rather well with my turnarounds. Before this time last year.
That is why I have to take the brunt of the responsibility regardless. I made bad decisions during a period, however extended and painful, that only made my problems worse.
The line, "try walking in my shoes" applies here. But that goes both ways.
I have come to realize that even my most ardent "enemies" were once folks that simply wanted my work. They were not bad, not ill-intended. I made them seem that way. Some may be true jerks, I don't know. But that is not mine to decide.
In my fear that no one would understand why I had gotten so late, I told more personal stuff than maybe I could have, but it was all directly involved in why I was behind, so I did. I think that pissed some folks off even more. I get that now.
It is all still there though.
Just night before last, when all this last wave started, I had spent five hours with my Mom, who is going downhill fast, and was pretty down about it. In I come to check emails and PMs and lo and behold, negative feedbacks and angry Pms. Again. It just was like the last straw. I had to make a choice, and I did. I simply can't keep continuing in this work as I am, or I will be so messed up I can't fix it.
And regardless of how angry those are with me now, I have to listen to them too. They have points that were missed. And many of them were pretty harshly criticised it seems, and I missed all that. Whole episodes of this are still a total mystery to me because they were deleted and I am still not fully informed as to what occured.
Can you imagine that, on top of all the rest of this???
I just want to finish now. I mean FINISH. All of it. And stop, and rest, and find my own reasons for being into all this again.
I so appreciate the fervent support. I would be a total fool not to. But I am also aware this has all caused, or maybe at least, brought to light, some of the really WRONG things to do with customs. I am truly the poster boy for what not to do now. ME. And let me tell ya, that sucks! A year ago, I was on cloud nine. Loving what I was doing, enjoying the work, taking on more and more, and seeing my sense of self worth climb.
That was at a time I needed it inside more than ever.
And now, look at me.
This has damn near ruined me. I have no hatred or fear of my "enemies" as I can't but try to imagine why they hate me so much. I have to learn from all this, and NOT make this mistake with my life again.
Anyway, so much of this. Makes me sick too. My whole life is WAY off base now, so the only thing I can do, is work, deliver the goods, (Have a sale and make more money to ship all this out...as all my money is gone to CC bills I can never catch up on anyway...don't worry...the B-word is coming in my life to deal with all that...) and just try to make amends through the only means at my disposal, my work.
If I died tomorrow, what would I be remembered for? I am not sure. I am afraid I would not be the ivory prince so many have painted me as. I might be that guy remembered for how he screwed up what he did for a living. Maybe in a hundred years, it all won't matter, but now, I have to do all I can to fix it. And hating or silencing those that are angry, and rightfully so, is not the answer.
I don't want to suffer pain at being beaten down, but damn, I did this. I made this so. I therefore cannot hate them for their anger.
I will say this and shut up. One of you, sold your custom work from me, and that paid for the birth of their child. That is the single best thing to come from my work ever. And it was a sale of it that did it. So, it sure ain't all about the work. I try to make it be, but it isn't. It's about you guys, and why you ask me or someone else here to upgrade your TOY, and that is where the truth lies.
Our practices therefore, must come under scrutiny, lest this become chaos. For me it almost has. It isn't yet...I CAN finish it all. But man, this is no way to work. Not for anyone. DO NOT DO AS I HAVE DONE! Period!
And to you other repainters and sculptors and customizers out there, keep the flame going! YOU are the future of this hobby. I will continue to try to contribute, and I have not done my best work yet...but for now, this dialogue must continue, and be open to all.
Thanks again guys. You all, are ok in my book. I have learned so much from each of you. Even those that resent me.
Now, back to it. I have a LOT of catchup to finish.