I can only speak for myself. Such talk of others, and their reasons for wanting to quit this are their's.
Mine are simple and require me to look hard at myself and see that I have made a ton of mistakes. Granted, I am human, and flawed and this last year, HAS been a drag on me. No doubt. But yes, I have made a ton of mistakes. I have to atone for all that now.
One way I can deal with it is for now, to stop and catch up and slow down enough to think. For my health, and for my senses. I alone have to fix this.
Last year, and still ongoing, my offsite issues have become such a part of my work, that I think I used this as an escape. That was a huge mistake. This was my income, NOT a place to escape. I know I can look back and forgive myself for why I did this, as I was in extreme pain about my Mom, and the heady support I get here made me think I could do more than I could. It's that simple. Like a drug, I let too much work pile up. Stupid. Plain and simple.
In some part of my mind, I knew better, and did it anyway.
Also, I was unaware of just how potent that support has been. Verbal and strong, too strong maybe. I am very grateful on an emotional level for that kind of support, as I love my friends here. But I have learned that support may have inadvertantly created monsters. Enemies. And that is unacceptable.
The very aspect that I relied on to keep me in this still, has become a possible liability for my being able to continue it.
I am not a businessman. That is obvious! I tried, and thought with my "mighty intellect"
, and massive public support, that I could handle it and solve it all.
WRONG! Nope. I suck at that part. I need a manager most likely, if I ever return to this! That is part of why BMW is so tempting for me. At least through that venue, I can produce quality work and not be "in charge" and just paint.
I am a right brainer, off in never neverland it seems, so I am not best suited to run a business. now, I have to correct the mistakes made over all this time by catching up on a ton of backlog. I will, but at what price?
I am not a pragmatic enough person, yet, to have handled all this. I now see that. I didn't. Not for a long time. But I have been afraid. Terribly afraid. Afraid of the tough financial decisions I would have to make if I let my guard down and faced what I was doing.
Afraid of failing. And failed on many levels I have. I am reminded of this daily.
Do I loathe those that remind me, no. I resent their attitudes now, but I cultivated them, so how can I atone? Not sure. I have to finish the work, as I have no means to refund so many kind and interested souls who wanted my work. I have to finish it all, and I will. I still love what I do enough to put that interest into my work, and get it done.
But what I can do is apologize. Publicly and openly. I was wrong. I didn't realize that, but I was. SEROUSLY, OPENLY, WRONG. My delays have cost me a dream. Part of that dream was to be appreciated for my art. Some here can't do that anymore. Les the person has become a bad word in some sectors. I was offended by that at first, but now, I have Les Walkered myself. What a dork I must be!
So, to all you who wait, patiently and otherwise, I am sorry. I did this. I screwed up. Me. All my myself.
And I am sorry if you were attacked by well meaning supporters. Any of you.
They meant well. But that was wrong too.
I will correct this, and catch up, and either totally revise how I do my art, or get out of it altogether so as to let things sort out.
This has been a most painful experience for me. Humbling for my ego, and thwarting for my own dreams. In a word, it sucks. And I caused it all. Granted, there are other factors involved, many of which I do not control, but I have to look past those now and move on.
Just know,
I will finish my work.
Thanks and please continue to enjoy this hobby, with or without me, as it is the best one out there. You are the best guys online, and this is a great site. Do not let the antics of one messed up artist make you question anything.
Just have fun! Please. At least I can hope for that, that I haven't spoiled the fun.