Need advice on anger and rage.

[Eli26]

How do you deal with it? I found after my breakup and with school getting very difficult my stress levels have gone up and I seem to have zero tolerance or patience. I get very agitated easily and I get very angry. Sometimes even violent, and I haven't gotten this way in years. So far I am lucky, I have no criminal record (very fortunate I have patient people around me who know me well and are good at calming me) or anyone is hurt because of it, but sometimes when I have snapped, I get very embarrassed after wards. Thinking to myself, it should never get that bad. It scares me, and I don't want to do something I will regret. I really am a compassionate person who cares a great deal about others, but sometimes I can let my anger get the best of me. That's why when I see someone lose it, I don't laugh or judge anymore because I can sympathize and think, that person is probably going through a really rough time, and they just aren't the best at dealing with it. Having said that, not everyone knows you, so it can be a frightening scene if that is the first thing you can go on. First impressions usually make for lasting impressions, and if that person can't explain themselves, then they look bad.

Anyway, thanks in advance!

 

[Valfar]

Put dis on.

 

[Balsquat]

Mark 1 dammit! Mark 1. *smacks Balsquat upside the head*

It's okay to get agitated and angry. But no smacks are needed.

 

[quadcent]

i thought for a minute there you were describing me.

i dealt with instant rage sindrome (if that's even a proper term), i mean like in an instant i would totally freak on anyone or anything if they even remotely upset me. i recall once i took it out on a VCR that wasn't working right, to this day i still feel bad for that VCR poor thing.

for me the only thing that worked was medication, and as long as i take the medicine i'm fine, but if i miss some i can almost feel the differance in my demeanor and i can tell i missed taking my meds.

so my wife and i call them my happy pills. works for me, might not work for everyone though.

 

[thedarkknight]

Anger used to be a problem for me. For the most part, it doesn't get to me like it used to.

Asking for help is a great first step. Be proud that you created this post. You might want to consider therapy. No matter what anyone says, it's not a sign of weakness. It takes a great deal of courage to see one for the first time.

Laughter can be a great stress release. When things start to get me angry, I look for the funny side. If I can laugh at it, the problem doesn't seem as important. This isn't easy and it took me a while, but it helped immensely.

And it's a cliché, but taking a deep breath and counting backwards from 10 helps as well.

I don't have all the answers and none of this might work for you, but all the strength you need to overcome this is inside you.

 

[Mesa]

This is why I wish they'd legalize pot.

 

[barryo]

look into taking an anger management course.

edit: in all seriousness they might be able to help you out & and get to the heart of what really sets you off.

 

[creecher]

Usually what makes you angry is when someone transgresses your value system. They probably don't even know it when they do it, so the problem and solution lay totally with you. You probably aren't even angry at the perpetrator, but rather something within yourself.

What to do? Count to ten sucks. Counting is hard. Walk away if you can. Smile if you can, knowing the other party is clueless, but knowing you know that others, like yourself, need only look in the mirror to see where the problem lies. That should at least make you smile. Finding it hard to smile? Think of Daffy Duck. People can sometimes get upset if you're smiling or laughing, so you have the power to reverse the situation. Ask them to leave. Call security. Stand on their toes and push them over. That should get you smiling again. Tell them to talk to the hand. Say "whatever" and give them the finger. Get an analyst. How the hell should I know, deal with it. Take quadcents advice.

 

[wHySoSeRiOuS203]

Anger and things of that nature...Ive had alot of experience with, working out weights etc. helps me all the time, its been proven in a study working out is good for you're emotions. a walk clears your mind, ever noticed? Its because you've been working those muscles and have had your body focused on something other than said anger or rage

 

[Eli26]

I had a rage moment today. I had to fix something that broke for the family, and this family member was freaking (not raging, but being an ass), and I was telling them, please go easy on me. I am doing a favour. I am working on this, I don't handle stress well, so please make this easy for me, and just let me be. Less stress I have to deal with, the better off I am. I also know I needed to workout. I only had one workout session in the last four days, which is a rarity for me. Working out, especially running (cardio), gets my endorphins going and puts me at ease. It shrinks the stress down to virtually nothing. Before I was in a relationship, and school I would work out six times a week. I pretty much killed any stress and anger I had in my life. But then as I got into a relationship and school started, and both things didn't work so well as a combination, the stress levels were brought up.

I even said to the person, let me take this home and fix it. My gym is closing in less than 2 hours and I need to workout, because it calms me. Ask anyone who workouts and gets easily stressed out. A good workout alleviates that tension and stress. That person just wouldn't comply and was really hard on me. Like I broke this. For frig sakes I was fixing something THEY broke! I didn't like how I was treated, and I felt like I was getting the kind of medicine I needed to get to make myself feel sane or good.

And then the person was freaking some more. Finally I snapped. Ragged.. I was like I can't deal with someone hovering over me not helping me, and taking something I need away from me. I have to take full responsibility for my actions, but I needed to get the heck out of there and I felt trapped. Never again. If I need to go, I am going. I don't need to be abused especially when I am being helpful. Either way, I didn't handle myself well.. I screamed at the person as loud as I could and let them know how I was feeling. If I had no restraint I would have done a lot worse, but all I know my heart was pounding and in pain, and anyone who has seen me knows I am fit. I was that upset. Heck, I used to pop blood vessels with my rage years ago. Thankfully it's never gotten that bad since, but I don't like what rage does, or what the potential it can cause. I need to find some kind of mechanism that can switch me off from going off like that. Nobody should ever get angry like that.

I need to breathe and walk out or bring some music with me and put it on. Do something to get myself out of that bad place. It really is helpful to see how others cope with stress and anger. If they have beaten it. Anything would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for posting so far guys!

 

[Eli26]

Usually what makes you angry is when someone transgresses your value system. They probably don't even know it when they do it, so the problem and solution lay totally with you. You probably aren't even angry at the perpetrator, but rather something within yourself.

What to do? Count to ten sucks. Counting is hard. Walk away if you can. Smile if you can, knowing the other party is clueless, but knowing you know that others, like yourself, need only look in the mirror to see where the problem lies. That should at least make you smile. Finding it hard to smile? Think of Daffy Duck. People can sometimes get upset if you're smiling or laughing, so you have the power to reverse the situation. Ask them to leave. Call security. Stand on their toes and push them over. That should get you smiling again. Tell them to talk to the hand. Say "whatever" and give them the finger. Get an analyst. How the hell should I know, deal with it. Take quadcents advice.

You're a smart man, and you're right. Some people are oblivious of our triggers. Anyone can be pushed, even you. Of course this isn't about pointing fingers, but it takes two to tango. It's not entirely the other person's fault. You control your own mechanisms, responses, emotions, and feelings. You're the operator. It's all about how we treat the situation ... we can choose to ignore and walk away or do something to prevent any hostility, or we can flat out lose it and rage on the person(s). Much easier to think like that when you're not in the heat of the moment and your buttons are constantly being pushed. I really tried to calm myself down, but it was the constant badgering I couldn't take. I definitely should have taken myself out of that situation. But sometimes things can happen so fast, what then? But all this advice is helpful. It's nice to see what others do when things get bad.

 

[creecher]

Some people need to be told something, well anything, three times. You'll need to tell them how you feel and the repercussions if things persist. Tell them once. Tell them twice. Tell them thrice. Probably as good as counting to ten, except you are reinforcing your message to them each time, while remaining calm, and giving them time to receive, analyze and internalize what it is exactly you are saying to them, while instilling fear via this repetitive lunatic verbalisation.

 

[The Mike]

Break something. No matter what triggers it, it always makes me feel better. I have stuff in my garage that is ready to head to the dump like broken bookcases or old tvs, whenever I'm pissed head in there destroy a few things and almost automatically I'm centered.

 

[galactiboy]

Heya Eli,
I'm actually a bit of an expert in this area (no joking) and have worked addressing anger with clients (primarily male batterers) for about the last 6 or so years. There are a lot of different things one can do, but if it gets to the point where you are concerned about your own well-being, or those around you it is not a bad idea to seek counseling to learn the underlying causes of the anger.

Couple pieces of information:
Anger is a secondary emotion; meaning that if someone is angry there is always an emotion (usually unpleasant) that preceded it. Examples include; fear, sadness, frustration, confusion, etc. In the case of your relative I'd guess it was frustration and some confusion. But since these emotions are unpleasant and someone powerless anger steps in and gives us motivation.

Violence is a choice; we can't always prevent getting angry... but it is w/in our power as to how we deal with it. All too often we stay in "high risk" situations longer than we should... which causes our anger to build and eventually have to be expressed immediately. When that happens our choices become much more limited.

Know your signs: Look for physical, emotional and even thouhts that tend to occurs before you become angered. The quicker you can realize you are getting angry, the more effective you can be in dealing with it in a safe and appropriate way.

Avoid high risk situations: If there are people and/or situations that seem to end badly; identify them and try to avoid them of possible. If unable to avoid then mentally prepare yourself ahead of time. If you set a limit as to how far you will go with aggression then you will be less likely to further than you want.

While I literally cannot provide counseling (its ethically forbidden) I would be happy to answer any general questions you, or anyone else might have about this.

Good luck and remember that you can't always control getting angry, but you can control what you do with it.

 

[Karma]

boxing is a healthy way to release any anger and also teaches discipline with it

 

[Valfar]

Invest in one of these..

 

[The Ween]

How do you deal with it? I found after my breakup and with school getting very difficult my stress levels have gone up and I seem to have zero tolerance or patience. I get very agitated easily and I get very angry. Sometimes even violent, and I haven't gotten this way in years. So far I am lucky, I have no criminal record (very fortunate I have patient people around me who know me well and are good at calming me) or anyone is hurt because of it, but sometimes when I have snapped, I get very embarrassed after wards. Thinking to myself, it should never get that bad. It scares me, and I don't want to do something I will regret. I really am a compassionate person who cares a great deal about others, but sometimes I can let my anger get the best of me. That's why when I see someone lose it, I don't laugh or judge anymore because I can sympathize and think, that person is probably going through a really rough time, and they just aren't the best at dealing with it. Having said that, not everyone knows you, so it can be a frightening scene if that is the first thing you can go on. First impressions usually make for lasting impressions, and if that person can't explain themselves, then they look bad.

Anyway, thanks in advance!

First you have to deal with the things that are stressing you out. If school is that stressful to you, then maybe you should think about taking fewer classes over a longer period of time or finding help somehow with your school work.

As for your ex. You seem to be able to jump right back into another relationship right away. Maybe that's a problem too. One day your talking breaking up, the next your talking about another girlfriend like you're in love.

Maybe you just need to concentrate on school work and let the other stressful things go, at least for now. Stress can really mess you up. You're channeling your's through aggression. I tend to hold mine in and it effects me healthwise. Both bad.

Alot of schools have counselors you can go to. Try that.

 

[Eli26]

Great advice Galactiboy and Ween, there is truly some good stuff said there. I will be very aware of all the stuff you mentioned. My greatest fears aren't that I will even hurt someone, because, even at the height of my rage, I am great at restraining myself. I so badly wanted to deck my brother once, but I held back... and if it were someone else with a anger problem I wouldn't be surprised if they would go all the way. My fears is the damage it can do to my heart. My chest hurts when I get this angry. I mean it really hurts. No matter how fit I get, if I get that angry it effects it in a horrible way. I don't need to cause health problems for me. I got enough stress to deal with, so I understand what you mean by the heart Ween. I really do. And Gal, you and creecher have said some good stuff, that even though I have been aware of, it's nice to be reminded and have it cemented.

I don't want to get angry. I saw what happened when my biological father lost it, and he would literally beat people. He's lucky he doesn't have a record, and I swore I would never be like that guy. I pride that I take care of myself and don't drink like him, and that I work my ass off in school and in the gym to better myself.

And actually Ween, I have taken a lighter course load this past semester. I was a full-time student last year. Doing the lighter course load brought down my stress levels 10 fold. But tonight, I don't want to relive that again. I love my life too much to get that angry. It's so not worth it. Then you feel bad afterward and you have to see those people later and play make up.

 

[karamazov80]

Exercise is a kind of all-purpose solution, in my opinion. Doing it allows you to relieve stress, feel more relaxed for the rest of the day, and to get out frustrations. Good luck with your issues.

 

[Darth Con]

i went through the same after i broke up with my ex, already having anger issues + the break up sent me into a black hole so to speak. one i thought i would never return from.
my way of dealing was to drink... pass out... wake up and drink again.
as long as no one was around while i was letting off steam it was ok.
mind you buying lots of ss stuff helped a lot
you just need time i think. best thing to do is not to have anything around you that reminds you of her.
it took me about 3 years of anger and aggression before i started to calm down a bit.
good luck.