Darth Cruel
Super Freak
Good one, Darksider! Funny stuff!
SSF Joke Thread
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Agent0028
Inebriated
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A minister checks into a motel and says to the desk clerk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." The clerk says, "It's regular porn you sick *******."
A priest, a rabbi, a baptist minister, a blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a Irishman, a Scotsman, and a Englishman all walk into a bar and the bartender says, "Is this a joke?"
A priest, a rabbi, a baptist minister, a blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a Irishman, a Scotsman, and a Englishman all walk into a bar and the bartender says, "Is this a joke?"
Darth Cruel
Super Freak
I thought I posted this one a long time ago. Maybe I did and it got deleted. If so, sorry to the mods for posting it again.
This is not necessarily a polite joke.
This is not necessarily a polite joke.
I young boy was in the bathroom at the Greyhound Bus depot in San Diego. As he was washing his hands, the door behind him opened and he looked in the mirror to see a sailor coming through the door in his dress white uniform.
The boy was very excited to meet a service member and asked "Are you a real Sailor?"
The sailor replied "I sure am kid! Here, wanna wear my hat?"
Excitedly the kid took the hat and was still admiring himself in the mirror when the sailor finished and left, intentionally leaving his hat with the boy.
A few minutes later, the door opened again and a Marine in his Dress Blues entered the bathroom.
In absolute astounded awe...the boy stammered "Are...are you a REAL Marine?"
The Marine replied "Suck my ____, kid."
And the kid quickly replied "Oh, no. I am not a real Sailor, one just let me wear his hat!"
The boy was very excited to meet a service member and asked "Are you a real Sailor?"
The sailor replied "I sure am kid! Here, wanna wear my hat?"
Excitedly the kid took the hat and was still admiring himself in the mirror when the sailor finished and left, intentionally leaving his hat with the boy.
A few minutes later, the door opened again and a Marine in his Dress Blues entered the bathroom.
In absolute astounded awe...the boy stammered "Are...are you a REAL Marine?"
The Marine replied "Suck my ____, kid."
And the kid quickly replied "Oh, no. I am not a real Sailor, one just let me wear his hat!"
xYx
Super Freak
After pulling over a driver for speeding, a police officer had the following conversation with the driver:
Officer: Good evening. Can I see your driver''s license?
Driver: I'm afraid I don''t have one. I was suspended when I got my fifth conviction fro drink driving.
Officer: Oh dear. Can I see the owner''s documents for this vehicle?
Driver: Actually it''s not my car. I stole it yesterday.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: Yes. But actually, I think I saw the owner''s card in the glove box when I was putting away my gun.
Officer: There''s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That''s where I hid it after shot the owner and shoved her body in the trunk.
Officer: There''s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
When he heard this, the police officer radioed his captain for backup. In a few minutes, the car was surrounded by armed police. The captain approached the driver to try and diffuse the tense situation.
Captain: Sir, may I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It''s mine, officer. Here''s the owner''s card.
Captain: Would you mind just slowly opening your glove box so I can see if there''s a gun in there?
Driver: Of course officer, but there''s no gun in here!
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there''s a body in there.
Driver: No problem officer, but I assure you there is nothing in the trunk!
The police captain was very confused about what had happened.
Captain: I don''t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn''t have a license, that the car was stolen, that you had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk!
Driver: Really? Ain''t that something? And I''ll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...
Officer: Good evening. Can I see your driver''s license?
Driver: I'm afraid I don''t have one. I was suspended when I got my fifth conviction fro drink driving.
Officer: Oh dear. Can I see the owner''s documents for this vehicle?
Driver: Actually it''s not my car. I stole it yesterday.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: Yes. But actually, I think I saw the owner''s card in the glove box when I was putting away my gun.
Officer: There''s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That''s where I hid it after shot the owner and shoved her body in the trunk.
Officer: There''s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
When he heard this, the police officer radioed his captain for backup. In a few minutes, the car was surrounded by armed police. The captain approached the driver to try and diffuse the tense situation.
Captain: Sir, may I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It''s mine, officer. Here''s the owner''s card.
Captain: Would you mind just slowly opening your glove box so I can see if there''s a gun in there?
Driver: Of course officer, but there''s no gun in here!
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there''s a body in there.
Driver: No problem officer, but I assure you there is nothing in the trunk!
The police captain was very confused about what had happened.
Captain: I don''t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn''t have a license, that the car was stolen, that you had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk!
Driver: Really? Ain''t that something? And I''ll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...
ProgMatinee
circlesendwheretheybegin
My wife and I just saw Juno and my wife goes, "does it make you want a kid?" and I says, "yeah with a 16 year old".
Wife not to impressed with the joke.
Wife not to impressed with the joke.
Darth Cruel
Super Freak
This does not actually qualify as a "joke" per se as it is a true story. But I guess it could be said that my first wife (who had a great sense of humor) tried to play a joke on me but it got turned around on her.
We were in a grocery store and she wanted to pick up toilet paper. When we got to the TP, there was an older couple there...60-ish. My wife grabbed the biggest package of tp she could find and said "We better get the big package. We know how you are in the bathroom."
The ederly couple busted out laughing.
So I looked around and found that the pet supplies were right behind us. I grabbed the biggest bag of litter they had and said "And we better get the biggest bag of litter they have as well, because we both know how you are in bed."
The elderly couple stopped laughing and hurried away.
We were in a grocery store and she wanted to pick up toilet paper. When we got to the TP, there was an older couple there...60-ish. My wife grabbed the biggest package of tp she could find and said "We better get the big package. We know how you are in the bathroom."
The ederly couple busted out laughing.
So I looked around and found that the pet supplies were right behind us. I grabbed the biggest bag of litter they had and said "And we better get the biggest bag of litter they have as well, because we both know how you are in bed."
The elderly couple stopped laughing and hurried away.
BB&WSF
Super Freak
Thought these were worth necroposting! 
-------------------------------------
My wife’s best friend sat on my glasses and broke them.
It was my own fault.
I should have taken them off.
-------------------------------------
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late pal, the paperwork's already done".
-------------------------------------
A bloke was standing at a bar, and a beautiful woman was beside him, so he leans over and says,
"You remind me of my little toe."
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk."
-------------------------------------
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''
She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.
I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike.
She said, 'Here, you try on mine’
Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'
Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change you're smart-a*s attitude, you never will again.'
-------------------------------------
My wife’s best friend sat on my glasses and broke them.
It was my own fault.
I should have taken them off.
-------------------------------------
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late pal, the paperwork's already done".
-------------------------------------
A bloke was standing at a bar, and a beautiful woman was beside him, so he leans over and says,
"You remind me of my little toe."
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk."
-------------------------------------
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''
She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.
I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike.
She said, 'Here, you try on mine’
Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'
Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change you're smart-a*s attitude, you never will again.'
Little Johnny walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her son has seen she dress’s quickly and goes to find him.
Little Johnny sees his mom and asks "What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You’re wasting your time," say’s Little Johnny.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
Little Johnny sees his mom and asks "What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You’re wasting your time," say’s Little Johnny.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
wax murderer
Super Freak
- Joined
- Sep 25, 2005
- Messages
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So, exactly where was that Home Depot?...PS
SixMillionDollarMan Guy
Super Freak
Uncanny Web-Slinger
Super Freak
CriterionCollector
Super Freak
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his meal before it was cool.
He ate his meal before it was cool.
BB&WSF
Super Freak
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with his belt?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with his belt?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
Man goes to the airport to pick up his daughter who has been traveling abroad for several years.
When her plane arrives, she exits the plane holding hands with a 6 foot Zulu warrior with a bone through his nose.
The man shakes his head and yells at her: " I said you should marry a RICH doctor!"
When her plane arrives, she exits the plane holding hands with a 6 foot Zulu warrior with a bone through his nose.
The man shakes his head and yells at her: " I said you should marry a RICH doctor!"
Darth Cruel
Super Freak
A proctologist looks up during an exam to see his nurse approaching him with a beer.
Angrily the doctors yells "I said a BUTT light!"
Angrily the doctors yells "I said a BUTT light!"
fosing
Super Freak
BB&WSF
Super Freak
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Intruder04
Super Freak
A couple are sitting on a bench in a park when a dog starts banging a ***** in front of them.
Watching this, the guy gets all worked up and finally whispers,
'Babe, you know what, I wanna do that too'
The gal whispers back, 'Ok, but be careful. She might bite you!!'
Watching this, the guy gets all worked up and finally whispers,
'Babe, you know what, I wanna do that too'
The gal whispers back, 'Ok, but be careful. She might bite you!!'
Sick!
Awkward.
BB&WSF
Super Freak
Wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally after a number of times, he asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Yesss." she says smiling seductively "Thank God." he says "I thought you were sitting on the cat."
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