Need advice on anger and rage.

[The Ween]

Bobbi Starr and Penny Flame are both excellent while we are on the subject. They both really love their jobs and it shows.

Nah, they're probably just very good actresses is all.

I'm gonna drop this now before the thread gets closed.

 

[creecher]

 

[creecher]

Hey Eli. Maybe it's a control thing. Your getting irritated because of your inability to control a situation. You want to strike out to regain that control. Get back some respect in the quickest way possible.

Realise you have no control over anything. You can try but not always get the satisfaction you seek. Learn to give in. Then your relative, as an example, might realise how much he needs you to fix his whatever. Maybe even, yes, apologise to you. Just walk away and guage his reaction. Wait for him to come to you. If he doesn't you have still won, because he wont bother you again when he needs help, or at least think twice. Just don't be a bunny and take it upon yourself to help him so readily.

 

[darkknight]

Get a heavy bag or martial arts.

 

[creecher]

Stress relief.

 

[creecher]

Keep calm keeep carlm. I've touched cloth and needs a bath.

 

[wHySoSeRiOuS203]

That's why I love the Japanese...well that and this:

who is this? she looks familiar (please dont say porn star )

 

[Grange Wallis]

Just remember just because your angry, it doesn't validate your taking it out on other people. You don't have to right to be cheap with others feelings...

 

[The Mike]

Hey Eli.....how's your anger management?

You know.....self gradification is a great way to deal with anger build up....just don't tear it off in a 'roid rage.

who is this? she looks familiar (please dont say porn star )

Well..you've got a decision to make. Do you want me to tell you who she is or not say porn star?

 

[lcummins]

Eli, I haven't read this entire thread, but I will offer some advice I learned a few years ago...

Just remember, no one can MAKE you angry... you, yourself choose to get angry. Think about that and the next time someone is "making" you angry, remember, you have have the power over whether or not you choose to get angry.

 

[Eli26]

Eli, I haven't read this entire thread, but I will offer some advice I learned a few years ago...

Just remember, no one can MAKE you angry... you, yourself choose to get angry. Think about that and the next time someone is "making" you angry, remember, you have have the power over whether or not you choose to get angry.

This is true, and sometimes it's easier said than done when you're in the heat of moment. I guess for me, it's more finding ways to recognize those triggers before they go off, and going to a place that gets me from getting that to that level.

 

[ChrisCJ99]

Interesting thread that went in a totally different direction....

But to comment to Eli, I'm sure you remember my "Why do girls have this much effect on people?" thread...... Lots of GREAT advice there, and I think this forum is a great place with lots of AWESOME folks that will help a freak in need.

I can totally relate to how you seem to have a "short fuse" over just about ANYTHING! Just last year I moved across the country to pursue my second bachelors degree... I didn't know anyone out there, and I had the perception that California was going to be PERFECT and easy to make friends. And I found out the hard way that it wasn't the fairy tale I had envisioned..... I seemed to be getting mad over ANYTHING! I would complain about anything I could possibly find...... Not to mention I obviously had a tough time tryin to do a long distance relationship while dealing with all this new stress...... I thought I was unhappy back in Florida and thought that moving away would help resolve my issues, but it only amplified them. I sat back and took a good look at the big picture and carefully thought what I needed to do to get back on track......

I don't know the details of your situation, but bottom line : Do what makes you happy. Exercise is a GREAT option man. Honestly. It's healthy, productive and gives you a great sense of accomplishment. I know you may get angry if you aren't able to get to the gym when you want, but just plan your day and just make sure you can get there when you want to... If not, just IMMEDIATELY make plans to "make up" for the lost training session.... SOON.

Other than exercise, do other things that will keep you BUSY BUSY. I know school work can be stressful, but I honestly think keeping a full load of classes may help keep you busy and your mind off the stress.... I always find that working more and bringing in more income will help in this stress too...... It just keeps you from having free time to THINK about the things that stress you out.. School and work will keep you from going nuts, and exercise and leisure will surely fill in the time as well.....

Best of luck brother. We've all been there, and this forum is full of great people. Just remember man, things WILL always get better. I can promise you that

 

[Voorhees27]

I got raged last night so I got angry with it and kicked its ass.

 

[Eli26]

Eli26,

I'm going to say some fairly blunt and direct things to you. None of it is meant to offend you ( but I guess it just might), the intent is to try to point some things out, from my perspective, that may help you in some way.



Breaking down what you've said, you say you have a temper/anger problem, but really it's not so bad because

1) You had a hard time with other things in your life ( school, relationship issues, work)

2) You don't have a criminal record ( "See it's not so bad if society and it's criminal justice system has not punished me for it")

3) The people who react negatively to your anger bursts "don't really know you" ( i.e. "If they really knew me, they'd know I'm not such a bad guy")

4) I'm a good person because I don't judge people and I'm compassionate and I help people in my life in need, even if they are being difficult.

5) It's the lack of working out that's one of the real problems, and I don't have time for that.

6) See, look, my health is adversely affected, so that proves that I have deep down contrition for how I behave.

7) Your anger happens because people push your buttons.

8) See I didn't deck my brother, I'm not a bad guy after all.

9) I'm not like my Dad, who wasn't a good person. ( i.e. if I don't do what he did, I must conversely be a good person. Newsflash, as if those are the only two choices in play...)


Of course this isn't about pointing fingers, but it takes two to tango. It's not entirely the other person's fault. You control your own mechanisms, responses, emotions, and feelings.

Nothing you say lines up or is consistent. Guess what man? Your "reactions" are your responsibility. WTF is this about "not entirely the other persons fault"?

Own your choices. Would you show your uncontrollable rage and anger to a guy who was pointing a gun at the head of a 10 year old child that was related to you and told you that you needed to keep your cool or the kid would get their head blown off? How about if you were in an underground parking garage late at night with 15 6'5 black dudes in prison jumpsuits and covered in blood and wielding chainsaws and hacking up your car?

People who have uncontrollable anger issues display that anger even when the situation will work to their detriment. If you can control and check yourself when the situation would work to your detriment ( Do you go and blast someone with a tirade at work? To your college professors? To your ex girlfriends parents when you were banging her?), then you can, in fact, control it. No one says it would be easy, but it's possible. You don't control it in other cases because you simply don't want to do it. That's the simple answer.

Is it that hard to say, "I was wrong. My actions are my choices, my reactions are my responsibilities. I have no excuses for my behavior. I will work harder to be a better person and this here, X and Y and Z, is how I plan to proactively address the issue"

Is it that hard?

In life, you are defined by what you choose to do. Or simply don't do. I could care less what you say if it was me in the mix. I care more about what your actions are and how you treat your reactions with some semblance of accountability.

When you start rationalizing your behavior, when you try to mitigate the harm you do with reasons and circumstances and so forth, you self label yourself as someone who can't be trusted. Trustworthy people do the right thing when it's the hardest thing to do. Trustworthy people accept the full load on their shoulders for their reactions. Trustworthy people don't try to lessen the harm they've done to others by trying to see it in the least incriminating way to themselves.

People who beat their children rationalize their behavior. People who cheat on their spouses. People who steal from their jobs. People who sell something and take the money and never ship it and never apologize. No one wants to see themselves as a "bad person" Guess what? If you do something bad once and you own it and correct it, it's a mistake. If you do something bad again and again and you don't own it and you rationalize it, you are just a bad person period. A "good person" is good for what they choose to do in action, not what they meant to do, not what they think about themselves, not what they think about how society sees them.

This is going to be harsh, but why do you think your biological dad kept beating people? I'd say the simple answer is he rationalized why what he was doing wasn't so bad. That there was a reason for it. That someone pushed him. That someone didn't understand him. That no one understood how hard he had it. That no one stopped him but should have. Your biological dad, in all likelihood, never saw himself as a bad person, didn't see the need to change, and kept smashing people in the face.

Eli, be a rationalizer and don't own your reactions and all you are is your biological father. This might be hard to hear, but because you haven't been thrown in jail or haven't clubbed your brother with a pipe wrench doesn't make you a wonderful and decent person. Nor does it mean you are off the beaten path called "This Is How A Man Ends Up Like His Good Old Dad"

Simple practical advice -

1) Get a calendar and day planner and schedule out your time. If you don't work out, you aren't making time to work out. You can say you don't have time. You've got time to post about your problems on a public message board and you have time to be MacGyver to someone's tapedeck, I think you can find the time to push some iron. People with self control issues typically have "boundary" issues. The first boundary you can control and make goals with is time management.

2) Start journaling. Write when you get angry and just write what you feel. Do it every day. Then once a week, read what you wrote. I think you'll find some disturbing things there in terms of negative patterns, rationalization and excuses. Once you can ID your negative patterns, you can work to change them.

3) Get a library card ( it's free) and go to the self help section and check out some books on anger management and setting and maintaining effective personal boundaries. There's no shame in needing help and using whatever resource are at your disposal to help yourself. The resources there come from folks with training and experience in their respective fields. If one book won't help you, then check out another or another. Find what works for you, but DO SOMETHING.

If you make no changes to your life now and you aren't happy with who you are, what's going to change? Nothing is going to change. Do something about your situation or accept your unhappiness. It's pretty much that simple.

Like draws like. If you are a craptastic person based on your choices, then you will draw in craptastic people in your life. No one wants to be around someone who makes them feel bad about themselves. It's why thieves stick together. It's why people of poor character stick together. If you want better people in your life, you need to be a better person yourself. Being a better person means owning your reactions to situations in your life. It's about being accountable.

"My reactions are my choice. My negative behavior is wrong, no excuses"

When you can finally say that, you have a chance to be the man you want to be. Until you do, all you will ever be is the person right now that you wish you weren't.

I wish you the best of luck with all of this, I hope things turn around for the better for you, I hope you make positive and healthy choices for your life,

Gekko

You're right, we make our own choices. For the most part I make the right ones, but like every other human on this planet, including yourself, we make some not-so-great choices either. It's the not-so-great ones I wish to make smaller, and have less of an impact when they are carried out. I am not happy when I get part A (angry) because then part B (apologies) always follow. I would never have to do part B if part A is non existent. There should never be a need to take it out on others, even if provoked. Takes the bigger man to walk away. I can't argue wise words. Your points, while tough and to the point, are very true. I appreciate that you didn't sugar coat it, and laid it out there how it is. Thanks man! Actually this past holidays I have made up with that family member, and I am happy the way I am handling things. Albeit it has been short, but take the ex for example. She called me, and normally she tries to push my buttons into getting a fight started. I simply didn't want it. I said if you want to talk you can, but it can't be negative or put downs. She tried, but in the end I talked her down from being so aggressive. She has strong feelings and wants me back, having said that, I am done with that chapter of my life. We tried and it didn't work. I'll be her friend, as long as it doesn't turn into something bad or ugly, in which case I don't care to indulge. I'll never have her at my place again.

Thanks again Gekko for posting!

 

[Blackthornone]

Wow, she is beautiful. She looks like a mix though- not full Japanese. Just my type.

She is half Japanese and half French.

 

[Blackthornone]

I suggest you don't get angry at things you can't fix. There is no point to it.

 

[Blackthornone]

Ummmm...I don't want to write her biography I just want to watch her ????.

Well, since I always did a lot of drawing, I think the fact that I know that she likes to as well adds something to the experience. I think it explains why she stands out from the crowd so much as far as I'm concerned.

 

[-Super Hans-]

I think Eli is secretly the hulk

 

[Eli26]

I think Eli is secretly the hulk

Heh, awesome bro! I actually went as the Hulk for Halloween of 07'. I had the muscles, so all I did was use green dye and had a hot chick in a fireman's outfit (complete with miniskirt and cfm boots) lather me up with the stuff. I also got some purple pants from Salvation Army that I ripped up. Cheapest costume either!

 

[creecher]

Hey creecher, what's up?

Nuthin'. What ya got? You know what it's like around here. Rabble without a cause.