Whiplash Mark II/Relationship Advice

[GeneralZodLives]

I guess I'll jump in here...

Marvel board RAWKS!!

<insert quirky friendship gif>
<insert random AOU gif>

I don't know why you're even bothering with trying to find a significant other. All you need is 1/6 figures on your shelf to make you happy. Figures don't make you feel bad about what you spend your money on. Plus, how will you get through the day without smelling HT plastic? Kick her to the curb, buy 3 Hulkbusters, 2 of all the AOU figures, and have one hell of a tea party.

 

[ZE_501]

You've already had some good advice here. I think the only thing I'd add is that being that perturbed after 3 months is premature. Like...red flag premature.

I'm in a fantastic relationship now with a great woman; but when I think back to the worst relationship I ever had...early on (3 months or earlier) she got very weird over a passing remark (I don't even remember what it was, but it was truly innocuous and didn't touch any issues or common triggers) and acted as if she had a lot invested in seeing me, and looked troubled for a whole evening.

I was flattered because I thought she valued me enough to worry, and my natural instinct was to make her feel comfortable and understand what was bothering her so I could fix it. We got past it, whatever it was. But it was a sign of things to come.

The relationship continued for over a year but resulted in a slow, almost imperceptible downward spiral as her various insecurities and manipulative need for control took over. It happened so slowly I almost didn't notice it until I found myself very unhappy. This was an otherwise intelligent and fun person with a lot going for her, looked great on paper.

When I finally got out I couldn't believe I'd let it get so far, for so long.

I don't know anything about your situation or this person, but my advice is that reacting like that after just 3 months is a warning sign.

I'd be really open and honest about who you are and what your values are, how you feel about her....but I'd also question where this kind of reaction comes from after just three months. It smells wrong. It's presumptuous at best. Granted, she's very young but I'd be careful and watch for other issues.

 

[Irvy]

We'll be right back after this message from Dr Phil.

 

[Snake Plissken]

We'll be right back after this message from Dr Phil.

 

[Sardo Numspa]

3 Months is definitely a little early to discuss finances, but there is another viewpoint that no one has mentioned.

Jeff12burq, I think you should also take a hard, objective look at yourself as well.

For example: what is the state of your apartment?
What I mean by that, is that if this girl is over at your place, is she's sitting on a couch that is falling apart, or watching a 40 year old tube television?
When she stepped into your bedroom, is there a small single, or twin bed, with stains on the mattress?
Is there food in your fridge?
Do all of your clothes look second-hand?

I'm not saying that everyone who collects these needs to have lots of money, but if it appears that you're spending money on toys, before other things that women typically consider to be higher priority, then her reaction is no surprise. For a lot of women, saying that you're financially responsible isn't nearly as important as looking like you are.

This doesn't just apply to collectibles or toys. I know guys who'd spend every penny they had on their car, and got the same reaction from women, because it was obvious that the car was where all their money was going.

Expensive hobbies should be financed with disposable income. Meaning, everything else should be taken care of.

But I also agree with others on the thread. If you love collecting, it's something that any woman you are with has to accept. They may not like it, or encourage it (my gf doesn't), but they have to accept it's part of who you are. No different than loving a particular sports team, or playing music, or any other hobby.

 

[Sardo Numspa]

PS. My brother is a perfect example of what I'm getting at.
He's still single, dating all the time, and women that come over to his place are actually fascinated in a positive way about his collection (PARTICULARLY his Hot Toys 1989 Batmobile - "chicks dig the car").
BUT, they react positively, 'cause he lives in a nice condo, in a trendy district, with modern, new furniture, etc....

 

[ZE_501]

PS. My brother is a perfect example of what I'm getting at.
He's still single, dating all the time, and women that come over to his place are actually fascinated in a positive way about his collection (PARTICULARLY his Hot Toys 1989 Batmobile - "chicks dig the car").
BUT, they react positively, 'cause he lives in a nice condo, in a trendy district, with modern, new furniture, etc....

This is a really, really good point.

Presentation is everything.

 

[skizzoid]

Look, it's very simple. She needs to like you for who you are and accept what is important to you. Her issues are her issues, and she shouldn't bring them into your relationship.

If you'll stop collecting to make her happy, that doesn't make sense. Not if she likes you. She has to like YOU and not the person she wish you were. It's that simple.

I agree with most of this except for the bolded part. Everyone has issues, and those issues will be part of any committed relationship. She'll bring in hers, and you'll bring in yours. If those are issues either one of you can't deal with, then that's not the right relationship.

I would also flip all the pronouns around in that quote. "You have to like her for who she is and not the person you wish she were, and you need to accept what is important to her." Relationships go both ways.

I'm not saying that everyone who collects these needs to have lots of money, but if it appears that you're spending money on toys, before other things that women typically consider to be higher priority, then her reaction is no surprise. For a lot of women, saying that you're financially responsible isn't nearly as important as looking like you are.

I want to second/highlight this particular point, though I'd also replace women with "other people". Of course, now I'm thinking about the IHOP part of the first post. If the level of expenditure she's seen so far in the relationship is on that level, then something like a Hot Toys figure does seem to come out of nowhere.

 

[Mad Old Lu]

I'm not saying that everyone who collects these needs to have lots of money, but if it appears that you're spending money on toys, before other things that women typically consider to be higher priority, then her reaction is no surprise. For a lot of women, saying that you're financially responsible isn't nearly as important as looking like you are.

I'd also like to chime in and re-quote this part as well. Everyone here has given you great advice. I'd like to add that I too am happily married and have a nice collection that I love, and that my wife is quasi-okay with. What I mean is, she is okay that I spend the money on these figures because she knows I get a lot of enjoyment from them. Every year she gets me at least one figure for Christmas or my birthday. What she doesn't like about the hobby (and never shies away from telling me!) is that it just looks tacky to have a bunch of colorful action figures on shelves, dominating my office area in the house! She would LOVE it if I would have them stored away in a closet or something that could be closed off from view! I can't say I blame her entirely. We pride ourselves in how our house looks and we are constantly working hard on restorations (it's a 160 year old house) and keeping it looking great. We also have other kinds of collections all around the house--more "refined" kinds of collections, like old cameras, old typewriters, old medical equipment, etc. So collecting is in both of our bloods. We are very fiscally responsible, and the past few years my employment situation has been rocky because of the economy, so I've been very conservative with what I buy, regardless of whether my wife asks that of me or not. She knows I tend to pull the reigns in more quickly than she would.

So basically I'll just reiterate what everyone has been saying. As long as you are financially responsible, have some money saved up, no debt, have a steady job, and present yourself (including your place) well, then feel free to buy whatever figures you want. That girl is seriously overreacting, and I get the feeling that it would only get worse with time, if it's such a deep-seeded fear she has. Even if she eventually comes around, I think she would always resent it internally and hold it against you, and would probably come out during any fight you might have in the future. Finances are the number one topic of fights in marriages.

I'm assuming you're still young if you're dating a 22 year old (if you're not young, then ), so don't fret. There are plenty of fish in the sea. I know it's a cliche, and it might not seem like you will ever meet anyone as nice or as pretty or whatever, but you will. Move on and you will both be happier in the long run.

Good luck! And you will have to let us know how it goes!

 

[Singuy]

I do NOT think 3 months is too early..in fact this should be something she needs to think about on the first date!

I assume that this girl is actually a lot more mature people on the forum is giving her credit for, and it sounds like she's serious about her relationships. She doesn't want you to resent her for picking between your collection or her after you lose a job or something. She needs to know if you are responsible enough to scale down accordingly to the situation at hand. If you lose your job, she needs to know that you are willing to sell/not buy more collectibles when she's willing to stop going out to eat and buying shoes(just an example).

Also to calm her, you need to let her know that these collectibles are actually worth a lot of money and most likely will retain their value. It's much better than spending hundreds/thousands on disposable items like cloth, alcohol, or paying interest on a credit card.

My wife is not a fan of my collectibles(she claims I am running a wax museum with hot toys and it freaks her out sometimes..lol). But I do a lot of selling(for a profit) as well so she's cool with this hobby since it sort of pays itself.

 

[Irvy]

This is a really, really good point.

Penetration is everything.

:

 

[Aliaz]

I got my first figure in december (Probe Droid) and I'll be honest, my GF was a bit shocked when I told her how much it cost. But buying something expensive is not being finacially irresponsible. She knows that Star Wars is a big interest of mine, and in a relationship you have to consider eachothers hobbys and interests and not just get focused on the money.

For example she spends alot on skin care and clothing, so we probably spend about the same amount on "hobby" stuff. We have been together for a little over 2 years so we also share living costs (rent, food, gas etc.) but otherwise we have our own accounts. Aslong as you have the money to spare and you are not getting yourself into debt I would say she is overreacting a bit. Even if you get into a serious relationship your not going to share all money equally are you? I would say aslong as its not affecting you living standard/getting you into debt, you can spend your own money as you want to.

That said, even if it was a bit early to bring it up, its never a bad idea to eventually have a serious talk about finances (or anything else that is bothering you or her). Communication is key in any relationship.

And dont hold onto the whole "I'm not going to be the first to call"-thing. I've seen that escalate and destroy more than one relationship.

 

[Parvus_Minor]

It's all about perspective. What I spend on Hot Toys, is nothing compared to what I could've spend it on like traveling, games, jewelry, ect. You just make sacrifices for what makes you happy. Trip to Vancouver for 3 days or a diecast Whiplash forever?

I know my g/f gets concerned every time she sees a new shipper box... that or excited. For every hot toys fig I buy, i see another Kate Spade purse arrive a few days later. -_-

Some women don't understand us unloading cash on collectibles, but totally fine pouring money into clothes, accessories, and makeup.

Just be smart and don't spend beyond your means. As long as it's not making you go into debt, you're good!

 

[Parvus_Minor]

I got my first figure in december (Probe Droid) and I'll be honest, my GF was a bit shocked when I told her how much it cost. But buying something expensive is not being finacially irresponsible. She knows that Star Wars is a big interest of mine, and in a relationship you have to consider eachothers hobbys and interests and not just get focused on the money.

For example she spends alot on skin care and clothing, so we probably spend about the same amount on "hobby" stuff. We have been together for a little over 2 years so we also share living costs (rent, food, gas etc.) but otherwise we have our own accounts. Aslong as you have the money to spare and you are not getting yourself into debt I would say she is overreacting a bit. Even if you get into a serious relationship your not going to share all money equally are you? I would say aslong as its not affecting you living standard/getting you into debt, you can spend your own money as you want to.

That said, even if it was a bit early to bring it up, its never a bad idea to eventually have a serious talk about finances (or anything else that is bothering you or her). Communication is key in any relationship.

And dont hold onto the whole "I'm not going to be the first to call"-thing. I've seen that escalate and destroy more than one relationship.

lol, I just posted a similar response 3 minutes after you...

 

[spectramr2]

Just say 'its an investment....in 2 years....i will sell it and make crazy $$$$!!!" That is why i buy these dolls...i mean figures! "How else do you think i will buy you the rock that you want?"

 

[DarthAlias]

Unfortunately this could have all been realized before it got to this point. Anytime I talk to someone about my hobby they always ask how much. I tell them I've been collecting for years which is why I have so much but always one of the first things I say price range. The first thing I asked my wife when I met her was if she liked Star Wars. If she didn't, it'd be over, if she did, then I told her about my collecting and spending habits.

The ways she sees it, it's better than spending money on drugs, porn or strippers so she's cool with it. I would say your gf is out of line for only being 3 months in. Especially at 22. Boot it man, don't feel bad for pulling the trigger on stealth either. You were committed to this before her. Next relationship, open it up by telling her you're really into this stuff and it's high end and pricey. See how they react and if it's positive, move on. Good luck man.

 

[Flintty]

Tough problem to solve to be honest but if there is one (or more!) thing I have learned from my long long term relationship it is that you trust each other, don't control each other and most importantly, communicate to each other.

Your hobby is part of you and whilst you can make compromises, you shouldn't have to change it for anyone unless you are in a bad financial situation. If she is special and really into you, she will accept you for who you are.

 

[Darth Mangler]

Never feel ashamed to collect these figures, if you can afford them. Part of someone loving you, is accepting who you are. You do not exist just for them. It is immature that she is giving you the silent treatment and a big red flag. She has issues, but they are her issues. At this stage in your relationship, they should not be your concern, and you two might not be compatible. That is ok. You will find someone that supports you and you support her. That is friendship and love. You get one shot at life and do not waste it on the wrong people.

 

[DarkAngel]

Never feel ashamed to collect these figures, if you can afford them. Part of someone loving you, is accepting who you are. You do not exist just for them. It is immature that she is giving you the silent treatment and a big red flag. She has issues, but they are her issues. At this stage in your relationship, they should not be your concern, and you two might not be compatible. That is ok. You will find someone that supports you and you support her. That is friendship and love. You get one shot at life and do not waste it on the wrong people.

Love the bolded parts

 

[CTO15]

3 months? Sorry that girl is loco

And since you said you have your finances in order, I don't think she has the right to tell you how to handle your extra cash. Especially since you were upfront with her on the price when she asked.

I have been going out with my gf for 8 years now and the number one thing is being honest with her. Makes life just easier