Unconditional love, is it real?

[pixletwin]

Plus, we have a child together, and if you are mentally healthy and willing to love each other unconditionally (even if your wife is throwing a fit for no reason - ha!) that goes a LONG way toward strengthening a relationship and moving it toward the unconditional kind - at least in my mind

How did you know? This morning was pure hell at my house.

 

[Dusty]

I remember one day when my son was being down on himself about something and I said I loved him and always will. He replied that I only loved him because he was my son. I quickly corrected him and explained to him that it was true that I loved him because he was my son, I also loved him because of the person he is, the kindness he shows, the way he rationally thinks through many issues, how eager he is to help and earn things instead of just asking for them.
My kids are good. They have their issues but overall they are very good, well behaved kids and as such I only know that I love my kids as they are. I can say that hypothetically I would love them regardless, but I don't have that perspective. Since I have never been in a situation where my adult child has done something so heinous and despicable that it would nullify my ability to care for them.
After all, I think we can agree that there are some that are totally undeserving of love, John Couey who abducted, raped, and murdered by burying alive Jessica Lunsford. He has a mother and a father. I don't know how anyone can love someone after knowing what they did.

Of course as a responsible parent I would NEVER say to my kids that I would love them no matter what JUST because they're my kids. Your answer was perfect!

BUT, I can pretty much guarantee that I will love him no matter what. I would cry everyday if he became a rapist/murderer - or even a cheater or gambler or drug addict - but I would still love him and try to get him help, etc - or simply be there for him when he decided he needed help, professional or otherwise. I may not give him comfort or condone the things he did, but that love isn't going anywhere.

The day is probably coming where he is going to yell "I hate you Mom!" and do something mean and nasty - and I'm gonna cry myself to sleep that night I can only hope that I've been a good enough parent prior to that to have him realize on his own that what he did was not nice and that he'll apologize without prodding.

 

[pixletwin]

Haha.. My kid said he hated me once. He felt so bad about it HE was the one crying all night.

 

[Dusty]

Haha.. My kid said he hated me once. He felt so bad about it HE was the one crying all night.

Yeah, I'm hoping that's the case here too What was your immediate response to him after he said it?

 

[Eli26]

Yeah, I'm hoping that's the case here too What was your immediate response to him after he said it?

I always felt bad when I have told my mom I hated her. Always happened when I thought it was the end of the world, but she always knew better. I love her more than anything. She gave me life, and honestly if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have graduated school or be in film school right now. She's been my No. 1 supporter. I love that woman, and if I am called a momma's boy for that... then fine, I am a momma's boy!

 

[pixletwin]

Yeah, I'm hoping that's the case here too What was your immediate response to him after he said it?

I said "Thats Ok. I still love you anyway."

 

[Eli26]

I said "Thats Ok. I still love you anyway."

He probably was joking...when he said he loves you I mean.

*runs and hides for it*

He loves yeah.

 

[Dusty]

I said "Thats Ok. I still love you anyway."

Perfect! Thanks

 

[Jen]

Interesting thread. I enjoy reading everyone's viewpoints on this. I say unconditional love exists. I love my parents unconditionally. I have realized that we have a much healthier relationship when we only see each other a couple times a year. And there are times when they irritate or tick me off...but I love them dearly. As I have grown and matured I can look back and see that they did the best the could with the tools they had. They both had a weird way of showing their love...which was by not really showing it...but now I can see that that was how they were raised and they were doing what they knew. Yes it lead to some screwed up kids...but once you can look past the "what they did to me" and understand why they did it, you can gain compassion where before you had anger. So, I love my parents...do I want them around me all the time? No...but I still love them dearly and would do anything I could to help them.
Same thing with my brother....we aren't very close, but I love him dearly. He's still pretty screwed up...but he's a good guy. Just messed up emotionally. I find it healthier for me to not be around him much....but whenever he needs help, I'm there. There's a fine line between helping and being an enabler, which I've had to learn. Sometimes I have to say no to him...but I love him unconditionally and hope that one day he finds happiness in his life. Like I said, he's a good guy...with a big heart. He just makes a lot of bad choices.
Now for personal romantic relationships - don't know if I'll find that kind of unconditional love. I hope so.....but one never really knows.

 

[The Mike]

What was your immediate response to him after he said it?

I would say "finally you understand how I feel" and laugh.

 

[FLOSI]

If you're talking about the love of a significant other I would say no. That kind of love is very much a two way street and a matter of loving one another. The love I have for my son is unconditional though.

 

[Dusty]

Interesting thread. I enjoy reading everyone's viewpoints on this. I say unconditional love exists. I love my parents unconditionally. I have realized that we have a much healthier relationship when we only see each other a couple times a year. And there are times when they irritate or tick me off...but I love them dearly. As I have grown and matured I can look back and see that they did the best the could with the tools they had. They both had a weird way of showing their love...which was by not really showing it...but now I can see that that was how they were raised and they were doing what they knew. Yes it lead to some screwed up kids...but once you can look past the "what they did to me" and understand why they did it, you can gain compassion where before you had anger. So, I love my parents...do I want them around me all the time? No...but I still love them dearly and would do anything I could to help them.
Same thing with my brother....we aren't very close, but I love him dearly. He's still pretty screwed up...but he's a good guy. Just messed up emotionally. I find it healthier for me to not be around him much....but whenever he needs help, I'm there. There's a fine line between helping and being an enabler, which I've had to learn. Sometimes I have to say no to him...but I love him unconditionally and hope that one day he finds happiness in his life. Like I said, he's a good guy...with a big heart. He just makes a lot of bad choices.
Now for personal romantic relationships - don't know if I'll find that kind of unconditional love. I hope so.....but one never really knows.

Very well-said, Jen!

To me, saying no is a BIG part of unconditional love, especially when it comes to kids (or really anyone you love who has a problem). Including your parents.

And I'm like you when it comes to my parents... I love seeing them once or twice a year (and maybe a MAX of 4 days straight). They never really showed or expressed their love as I was growing up (and they were very very strict), but I knew early on that they loved me anyway and they were strict BECAUSE they loved me. Maybe it's because I had an older sister who realized it after she was out of the house and told me (I was about 12 at the time), so I had an early heads-up. It also made me really independent and not reliant on my parents for every little thing

 

[The Mike]

Just because you say no doesn't mean you don't love the person often times its the ones who always say yes that could care less about the situation....

 

[Bannister]

Just because you say no doesn't mean you don't love the person often times its the ones who always say yes that couldn't care less about the situation....

You're welcome.

 

[The Mike]

You're welcome.

I feel Jeff Dean'd.

 

[Bannister]

I feel Jeff Dean'd.

 

[devilof76]

Nope.

Love is conditional. It has reasons just like any other emotion. Saying it's unconditional is like saying it's causeless. Love is an emotion that arises from who a person is. People can change within the boundaries of that emotion, but there is still an extreme limit. Just because it's never crossed doesn't mean that the potential isn't there.

In the case of a serial killer's parents, I suppose they still love the idea of their child, but that's an emotion completely detached from the reality of who their child has become. Actions are not separate from the actor. If you say you love the killer, but hate murder, you're lying to yourself somewhere along the line.

 

[Eli26]

Someone just shoot Roranous.... you know we'll all be happy in the end for it.

 

[DarkArtist81]

I say yes as well. My parents weren't there once they split, my Dad went one way and my Mother the other. They both delved into drugs and alcohol, and were so wrapped up in their lives that they didn't really pay much attention to me. My Mother died and my Dad only got worse.

He bribed me into allowing him to stay with a woman whom he KNEW was abusing me, he shut me down on every occasion that I had something to be proud of, he told me my dreams were impossible to achieve, and when I needed him to be there he never was. He missed my graduation in Boot Camp, which is far more devastating if you have ever been there. I needed him dearly then, but he crushed my soul underfoot by not attending. He didn't even bring an empty card to my Wedding.

But I love him. I may not spend much time with him, and I may still be very wounded from the years of pain, but I still love him. He's my Dad.

I am sure I will be the same with my kids, it's a bond that can't be erased.

 

[Bannister]

Looking at the thread title I am reminded of this:
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